Related to my previous post, let me rant for a moment...

Designers make it so difficult to feel young and fashionable, yet still be modest. It's seems like they think: well, if she fits into a size small, she must want her clothes to be skin tight and to show her cleavage. No. I would like more options than dress like a skank or dress like grandmom.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Hey strangers! It's been a long time, I know. But I find not blogging for a while to be very similar to not talking to a friend for a while. The more time passes the harder it is to just pick it up again. For instance, it's been three months since I wrote a blog and I feel the need for this first one back to be important or serious. And I don't want to do that. So, I've been avoiding it. A lot has happened and it's been emotional and draining and, in many ways, life changing. I don't want to get into all that. But what I do want to get into are the new dresses I bought this weekend :) That's right, this first entry back will be frivolous and fun.

Growing up, I did not wear dresses. I don't remember hating dresses, but I don't remember having dresses. I remember wearing a skirt at least once in sixth grade. But they were just not a part of my wardrobe. When I was 17, I gave my life to Jesus while visiting a conservative spanish pentecostal church. The kind of church where girls did not wear pants to the service. When I first visited, I wore the one boring black skirt I owned. Then God changed my life forever and in my heart, I knew I had to go back to church. But first, I had to buy a dress. So, I bought a long, sleeveless, flower print dress with a short sleeved brown knit top. I loved that set. That's when I started loving dresses. Because I was now going to church, I had a reason to build my wardrobe of dresses and skirts.

But then I stopped going to that church. Theological and cultural reasons. I still wore those dresses to churches I visited. Eventually, I found my way to BRV where jeans and a tshirt are the norm. Slowly, I stopped buying dresses. Although I still loved a good skirt. Knee length skirt, fitted tee, and sandals - yeah. Then I married a boy and I started gaining weight because I'm a happy eater and he makes me very happy. So, I didn't fit into any of my skirts any more and I refused to buy new clothes in bigger size. It's like committing to being heavy. No no. So, for the last couple of years, it's been jeans and loose tshirts. I haven't had any nice clothes to wear. Special occasions were annoying for me because it meant having to buy something that didn't make be feel fat. That was the goal of new clothes - not "oh this is pretty" but "this doesn't make me feel terrible".

But now everything has changed. I am nine months into my new healthy, active life style. I have dropped 35 pounds and 6 pant sizes. It is so much fun to go shopping now. Mainly because everything fits. It might not fit exactly the way I want it to. Or it might not be my style. Or I might not want to spend that kind of money; I am still cheap afterall. But now, when I pass on an article of clothing, it's usually because I know I can find something better. I can find something that isn't just about not making me feel terrible. I can find something that makes me feel good and pretty and maybe even a little sexy.

This weekend while looking through winter clothes clearance ranks, I found summer dresses and I bought eight of them! Flower prints and pretty colors and two of them were even strapless - but don't worry I also bought cute little sweaters to wear them when the occasion or my husband demands I wear it :)

And it feels great. It feels really great. I work out hard. I spend six hours a week at the gym and an additional two hours a week driving to and from the gym. But, for me, it's so worth it. And not because I can get a fun new wardrobe but because I FEEL GREAT. I feel young and energized and playful and sexy and pretty and feminine. But now I have four months to wait until I can wear of any of them.

I have often said that the best part of working for a church is that I have the best view. I see things that no one else sees. Most of it is awesome like the day to day stories of people hearing from God. Some of it is not so good. There are things that I see the pastors deal with all the time that makes me say "I'm glad that's not my job" or "I could never do that."

There are a few people who are...well, for lack of a better word....needy. They don't have much so they need a lot. At first, it begins with they have no money, so they call the church for help. The church helps and then they keep calling for help. As it develops, it becomes that they still need help financially but they need the pastors. They have a question. They need advice. They have a crisis. They need to talk. It can get to the point where Michele and I recognize their phone numbers on the caller id. It is not unusual to get calls from the same person a few times a week and sometimes even a few times a day.

Yesterday we got a call. A guy who hasn't been around for a while and it turns out it's because he's been in jail. He wanted to let Mark know that he was back; that he just got out that morning. That statement intrigued me. He just got out of jail and one of the first calls he makes is to let Mark know he's back. I asked Michele about it. Is it out of financial need? I'm out of jail and now I have to provide my own needs again. Is it loneliness? Why would they call? They don't come to BRV. They aren't friends really. I just didn't get it. Then Michele explains it to me. That, at least for this particular guy, Mark is the only person he can call. With his rough lifestyle, he's burned a lot of bridges. But Mark is still there.

My concluding thought was this - They may not come to church. They may or may not have real faith. But Mark and Rich are their pastors. They are the ones they turn to. They are the ones they know will answer their phones or at least call them back. In some cases, Mark and Rich are their only friends. It's so odd for me to understand. I have so many people in my life that care about me. Sometimes it's annoying - "I'm okay just leave me alone!!" But in times of crisis, I would not be short of people who will help me, listen to me, pray with me, feed me, walk with me, love me.

So on this Thanksgiving morning, I am thankful for all of you, my dear friends and family. Sometimes you annoy the crap out of me, but I wouldn't trade you for anything.

I made goal :)

I am 30 lbs lighter and so much happier and healthier. It's been six months of calorie counting and exercising and overall obsessiveness. But, it feels great.

Remember those pants I mentioned in an earlier blog. When I reached my end of summer goal, I was thrilled to finally be able to wear a pair of jeans that have been in the closet for two years. Well, those pants don't fit me again :) I went to Timmy and said, "honey, will you mourn and rejoice with me? Will you mourn that once again my favorite jeans don't fit me but can we also rejoice that WE DID IT!!"

I use the phrase "we did it" because it's true. I didn't do it by myself. I could not have done it without Timmy's support and patience. Other notable thank yous to Megan and Michele for cheering me along and always being willing to listen to me talk incessantly about exercise, food, weight loss, body image, clothes, calories......Thank you, friends. WE DID IT!

So the new goal...well, I'm not concerned about losing pounds anymore. In fact, I need to start watching my weight in the opposite direction. I don't want to get too light. I think it might be good to weigh myself twice a month, just to make sure I don't gain weight back and to make sure I don't lose too much weight. But the plan is to lose a few inches around my waist. Most of what I read is that the average non pregnant woman shouldn't have a waist of more than 35 inches. Any more than that and you're talking other health concerns like heart disease and high cholesterol. I measured myself on Halloween and I was at about 38.5 inches. So, I still have a few inches to go. I'm going to focus in on my new workout routine and see what happens. But I'm not going to kill myself and I'm not going to stress. I'm doing great. I feel great. I look great :)

I am attempting to get back to normal today. For the last week, I've been sick. For the first five days it was these coughing fits that would take over at night. My abs have been sore for the three days because of them. One night I even vomited from coughing so much. Gross. I think vomiting is the worst. I've been incredibly weak and exhausted. I haven't slept through the night since last Tuesday night.

Because of being sick, I haven't worked out in a whole week. That in itself has thrown my body for a loop. It amazes me how much my body wants to be healthy and active. Because I feel sick and icky, I've eaten more comfort foods - aka junk food. So, that has me feeling sick to my stomach, very irregular, and emotionally guilty. For good measure, let's thrown in pms, just for kicks.

But last night, I slept through the whole night. Thank you, Jesus. I hope this means I am on the up swing. So, I'm going to try to take it easy still but I also need to get back to normal. I'm headed to the gym in a few minutes. My goal for the day is a really good stretch - I am so tight from a week's worth of inactivity - and thirty minutes on the elliptical to get my heart pumping.

Before I work out, though, I want to weigh myself. I'm curious. How much weight did I gain by not working out for a week and eating butter cookies and candy? I'm not freaking out. I know that there will be times when I just cannot work out, where the best thing for my body is to lay down for a week. I am willing to accept that as part of healthy living. But I am curious. And I do need to figure out the current weight, so that I can adjust the goal is need be.

Aside from the weight stuff, it really does feel good to breath again. It feels great to have gotten nine hours of uninterrupted sleep. It feels good to be even willing to go to the gym for a bit. It feels good to know I can go to office and not be in a haze. At least, I hope so. It is only 8:30 in the morning. We will see how I feel around lunch time :)

I'm still hurting. It's been three or four days since I met with the personal trainer. I completely skipped my workout yesterday. Well, technically, I declared it my weekly day of rest. But really, I could hardly move. My calf is aching. Today, I'm limping a little still. It loosened up during the day and I forced myself to go to the gym. I only did 30 minutes on the elliptical, though, because I did not want to push myself. And I'm glad I went to the gym. The elliptical felt good. So long as I kept a good pace, I didn't even notice any discomfort in my calf.

Tomorrow is the last day of the month, which means it is my official weigh in day. Since I haven't been feeling great, I decided to weigh in today, just in case I choose not to go to the gym tomorrow. Again, I'm glad I went to the gym. Another four pounds gone and I am two pounds from reaching my goal.

The funny thing is that my weight read .10 pounds. And my first thought is "that's because I haven't pooped today yet and I ate two slices of pizza for lunch." True story. Forgive me if it's too graphic, but it is my blog. So, provided my calf is up to it, I hope to go back to the gym tomorrow when it's my official weigh in day and see what the scale says. Maybe it will tell me that I lost five pounds in October and I am one pound from my goal :)

Oh my goodness. Yesterday I met with a personal trainer for the first time ever and today I hurt.

This past month has been difficult with my workouts. I've been super tired and feeling generally weak. Those two things, along with the cooler weather, make food, particularly bad food, more of a temptation. So, I'm a little nervous about my weigh in on Monday. Then again, I'm nervous before every weigh in.

I'm six pounds from my goal weight and I have until Thanksgiving to achieve that. I'm feeling pretty optimistic that I will make goal. If by chance, I don't make goal, I'm not devastated. I feel great. I look great. And I know that I will make goal before the end of the year.

Since I've hit a motivational wall and I'm approaching my goal, I thought it would be a good idea to meet with a personal trainer. I just wanted to ask some questions and get some tips for how to proceed. She put together a workout for me that focuses on the core and losing inches. We went through most of it yesterday and I knew instantly that I was going to feel it today.

I woke up this morning and I could feel it. Not terrible but definitely that "I just want to lay here and not move" feeling. I decided I would not go to the gym. I would take the day to rest. But since this isn't my regularly scheduled day of rest, I felt guilty and couldn't fall back asleep.

So I went. I did about a 1/3 of her workout and I had to stop. I couldn't do it. I was beat. But it was a good beat.

So here's the new plan. I'm not going to start with her workout plan right away. I'm going to work up to her plan. I did a third of the workout. I'm going to do that third for the next few days and then I will add a bit more until I get to the full thing.

But today, I'm going to limp along and be continually reminded that I still have a long way to go before I am a lean, mean, fitness machine :)

This weekend I did something I haven't done in a very long time. I went to Denny's on a Sunday at 10pm with some young single friends. It was like I was back in college, but I had a husband sitting next to me.

During this very late, very unhealthy dinner, my one friend received a text. She then said that so-and-so just had a DTR. In case you don't know what I am talking about - DTR stands for "defining the relationship." It's that talk between a guy and a girl, the "so what are we?" talk. DTR makes me laugh. I never heard this expression until a few years ago, long after I was married. My impression is that this expression is primarily used among the female population. I don't really see guys has saying, "I need to have a DTR soon."

This little moment got me thinking about my DTR with Timmy. It still makes me smile. I was sitting on his couch. We were holding hands. We had just starting holding hands maybe a week earlier and I had never held hands with boy before. So, it was a big deal for me. As a girl, I was pretty sure I knew what was going on with us but I needed to define the relationship. So, I looked at Timmy and asked "are you my boyfriend?" His response, "I sure hope so." Still makes me giggle because of how great it felt and how funny it was considering I was 25 and Timmy was 27. He-he.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I've been listening to a sermon series on Song of Songs. The series is called "The Peasant Princess" by Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill Seattle. I finished the series earlier this week. After listening to the whole thing, I would highly recommend it. I don't agree with everything he says, but I agree, and passionately agree, with a lot of what he says.

For my friends who are married - Even if you're happy and you'd say things are good, I'd still recommend this series. I'm really happy and I think things are really good with Timmy, but I'd love for things to be even better. I'd also like to be proactive in protecting and nurturing this good thing God has given me. Throughout the whole series, he offer questions to ask your spouse on the car ride home. Great questions to spark conversation and invest in the relationship. I've been challenged throughout this whole series to seek even more God in my marriage and I believe I'm seeing fruit already.

For my friends who would like to be married someday - I'd recommend this series. He encourages single people to develop a strong theology of marriage before you get married. Know what you believe. Know what you want. Know what you won't settle for. It will help you date well and seek a spouse well. He also encourages single people to start dealing with their sin, particular their sexual sin, before marriage. Marriage doesn't just wipe away your sin, even if it's sin committed with the person you eventually married. The consequences of sin still exist. I know from experience. Might as well start working on that before you get married. It will do you and your spouse a huge service.

For my friends who have no desire to be married - ever - I'd still recommend this series. Someone had emailed Mark Driscoll that this series was pointless to them. One of the comments he made is that even if you have no desire to ever be married, you're friends with married people right. You want to support them and speak into their lives. You have single friends who want to be married. You want to support them and speak into their lives too. Right? Married people are all around and we should know how to love them. Similarly, single people are all around and we should know how to love them too. FYI - I've listened to a few great sermons about singleness for this very reason.

This morning I'm thinking about one particular quotation from the series. He said "God's purpose for marriage isn't always happiness but it is always holiness." If I consider my relationship with God himself, it isn't always happy. There are times when I am angry at God, when I'm confused, when I don't want to speak to him, when I blatantly ignore him. But our relationship is based on his love for me and the holiness he desires for me. So, he'll say things like "I know you're angry with me and you don't want to talk about this, but we are going to deal with this issue." God desires happiness for me but not above his desire for my holiness. If that's the case for my relationship with God, what makes me think my marriage would be any different.

I actually don't think it's any different. A lot of times my marriage feels pretty easy. We have challenges, areas of growth and repentance. I've asked God to help me. Often times it comes down to God wanting to refine me and that bleeds into my marriage. However, all around me, I hear things like "I'm not happy anymore" and so it leads to divorce. Or "I'm not happy anymore" and that's where the conversation ends. Perhaps it's where God wants to begin the conversation about sin and brokenness. Perhaps it's where God wants to bring healing and reconciliation. Perhaps where God wants to teach something new about marriage.

"The purpose of marriage isn't always happiness; it is always holiness." I think that's a keeper.

I'm in need of some reflection.

Today was a great day. No, it was an awesome day. Blue Route Vineyard Community Church now has two campuses.

We've been talking about this for years. One of the perks to being on staff is that I'm privy to the pastor's thoughts before they are solidified or announced. We've been discussing and considering multisites for a few years. For the last few months, we've been working to making this actually happen.

Timmy and I have been a part of the team from the very beginning. So, we've been feeling it. Or at least, I have been feeling it. During the summer, it felt like I was going to two churches. I had all my commitments to the Media campus, but I also had weekly (sometimes twice a week) meetings for the Ridley campus. In addition, my work at the church office increased because of the second campus. When September rolled around, I was thrilled because my Media commitments ended and I felt like I could breathe again. But Ridley still has been very time consuming.

I can't imagine how much harder planting a church from scratch is. You start with nothing but a small committed team of people. We started this adventure with a small committed team of people but the support of an entire successful, stable congregation. We had their full support in every aspect - pastoral leading, finances, prayer, team members. Seriously, I can't imagine doing this from the ground up.

The last few weeks have been just as busy but it's been exciting in a different way. We've been in our building - Leiper Presbyterian Church in Swarthmore. Let me first say how incredible sweet the people at Leiper are. They are teaching me something about being Christians in the way they are supporting us, encouraging us, and showing us generosity. A truly special congregation. It's great to be in the building. To no longer be thinking about what we're doing but to actually be doing it. Every week, we build upon what we did the week before. We kept telling each other "it'll get better every week." Like the day when the video didn't work well and most of what we saw was Mark's floating head :) But every week, it does get better. There's something exciting about seeing how it will go next time. And as an admin person, it's just great to say "this is what we need now" or "this is how we can fix that."

And today was our launch. I don't know if my expectations were low or if God just wanted to blow up my high expectations. Today was incredible. I had a rough start to the day. I was snippy. I was in work mode. "Move out of my way, people. I've got work to do." But that stopped when a few of us gathered to pray before the service.

God came. He came to our pre-service prayer and he came to BRV | RIDLEY. We sensed him right away and throughout the entire service. There was so much. I think bullet points may be easier.

- God started healing Christi's hurt hip during pre-service prayer. She wasn't completely better but she wasn't limping anymore. I mean, healing before the service even started!

- The worship team and the AV team set up all our tech in 15 minutes!!! This was a big deal. You rock!!

- We had six people on the prayer team and three of them were guys. Say what?!?!

- Several of the Leiper folks stayed to worship with us. It was especially sweet when our team led us in How Great Thou Art.

- Christi rang the bell at the start of the service. The prayer team felt like she should do it today and as she rang it, it was us proclaiming victory.

- When Christi rang the bell, Jared Tindall started the service by welcoming everyone to the launch of our new service and invited everyone to join him in worship. It was truly special for Jared to do that. It's been a little weird for me not to have Mark present at Ridley. He's so a part of everything. Not just because he's the senior pastor and he's involved everything, but no one loves BRV like he does. He's been at every single important landmark in BRV's history, but he's not at Ridley. But his son opened the service today and led us in worshipping the Living God. Even now, my eyes are welling up a bit. It's like Mark was there and I see Mark's legacy and his hope coming to be.

- The entire worship team was under the age of 23. They're so young. It was awesome.

- 134 people. 107 adults and 27 children. Very cool.

- Pastor Bill and Mr. Neil from Leiper said a few words to us. My one regret of the day is that I didn't think to record their words until it was too late. First Pastor Bill made a joke "Sorry we didn't get the memo about the clothes" They were both wearing suits and ties :) Then Neil said "we're old school." He-he. He said "old school." Neil shared with us that the church is almost two hundred years old and now we're a part of that rich history. It fills my heart that we are part of this now. It fills my heart that they welcome us into their history. Over and over, Neil would say things like thousands of people, decades passing, a new congregation, but the same Spirit. How powerful. Then Pastor Bill shared with us a vision he had early this summer. While at a conference, he had a vision of their parking lot full of cars and their sanctuary filled with people. He said today that vision came to be. The people at Leiper are incredibly gracious. I really can't express into words what I feel when I see them and speak to them.

- The video sermon was awesome! Thank you, Mark, for wearing the Ridley shirt; we cheered when we saw it. Thank you for looking directly at the camera and saying hi; we said hi back. Thank you for acknowledging Dave Young; we applauded his hard work and he happened to be with us at that point. Thank you for thanking our Leiper friends; they were with us and did hear your kind and true words.

- Ministry was sweet. We prayed for a lot of people. I had a really special encounter with a woman. She grabbed my hand, said thank you, and then started crying. She couldn't even tell me her name. I just started praying for her and she grabbed me and cried on my shoulder. It was very quick and then she pulled back, thanked me and left. I don't have any clue what was going on with her, but she obviously encountered the Spirit of God.

- Christi was a rock star!! Every week we talk about what she can do to improve the following week and every week she gets better. Today, the woman who stood up front was the pastor. She didn't just try to be a pastor; she was the pastor. Mark and the council made a wise decision when they sought God about her. I am thrilled to work and serve with her. I'm proud to call her my pastor. I'm delighted to get to know her as my friend.

- After the service was just as much fun. Lots of hugs and high fives. Lots of "that was so great!" Lots of "God came." Lots of joy and gratitude.

- A group of us met up again for dinner at Iron Hill to celebrate the day and to celebrate the new Iron Hill/Burlap and Bean stout. It was great to rejoice with these people. Some of them are old friends; some of them are new friends. All of us shared in the special day and I was just really aware that we were in this together. When it happened and when it was great, we rejoiced together. They've been invested in this too. It's nice to be part of a team. And it was great to see Mark walk in through the door to celebrate with us :)

I know my thoughts are scattered, but there's just so much. I just wanted to throw out some of that and I wanted to share it with those of you who care.

Before I close out this post, one final thank you to one that truly did it all. Thank you God for loving us and letting us play. Thank you for loving Ridley and seeking after Ridley. Thank you for calling us into your community. Thank you for always being faithful. Thank you for showing yourself. Thank you for blessing BRV. May we always seek you and your kingdom.

"If I walk away from God, I'm capable of anything."

For the last few weeks, I've been listening to a lot of Mark Driscoll. Before anyone out there gets all bent out of shape, let me say that I know he is very controversial. Although, I don't agree with everything he says, I agree with most of what I hear. True, I mainly listen to his sermons on marriage, relationships, and sexuality, but I really, really agree with most of what he says on those topics.

Currently, I'm listening to an excellent sermon series entitled "The Peasant Princess" on the Song of Songs. Before you go downloading the podcasts on my recommendation, fair warning that Mark Driscoll is not one of those "Song of Songs is a metaphor between Christ and the Church." Uh-uh. Driscoll believes Song of Songs is a beautiful, passionate, at times explicit, love song about God's heart and intent for human marriage.

The sermon I listened to yesterday was filled with lots of great stuff, including some things that I nervously shared with my husband :) But what struck me the most was Driscoll's comment on Solomon. Driscoll began the whole series explaining that the Songs were written by King Solomon. Early in his days, God told Solomon that he could ask him for one thing and Solomon asked for wisdom. God granted him much wisdom. To this day, we benefit from his wisdom through the great gifts of Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and the Song of Songs.

Songs is beautiful, idealistic, and hopeful. As a married woman, I read these poems and listen to these related sermons and I pray that I could live my life well, that I could love my husband well. And then Driscoll turned away from preaching directly from the Songs text. He then addressed the question that so many have asked about Solomon. How could this great man turn so bad? Or more specifically, how could the man of Song of Songs, who so loved his wife that it continues to be the standard for all married couples, fall so far? At some point, the Bible will speak of Solomon's 700 wives and 300 concubines. Wait what happened?

"If I walk away from God, I am capable of anything."

Solomon walked away from God. He walked so far away that the impossible seemed to have happened. One of the points Driscoll wanted to make is that no one is immune from sin and the devastation that it brings. So, often, people today says things like "I would never do that." Or "how barbaric were those people." One specific example he used was that Solomon actually built a temple for one of the gods worshipped by one of his wives. This particular god demanded the sacrifice of a child. Driscoll said that some today would say "how barbaric." He then pointed out that more children are sacrificed today than in that time. It's just labeled as choice. Now, I'm not trying to get into that particular argument here. The point Driscoll is making and I agree is that we are broken, twisted people capable of doing things we would never do under "normal circumstances."

And that's what I want to hold in my heart from yesterday's sermon. If I walk away from God, I am capable of anything.

I went to a wedding this weekend and there was dancing, lots of dancing. But I don't dance and neither does Timmy. But just because I don't dance doesn't mean I wouldn't love the occasional slow dance at a wedding. It isn't even because I want to dance. It's because I want to dance with Timmy. I think it's the lingering 12 year old girl in me, the one who dreamed about dancing with that special boy. Now, I have that special boy and he doesn't dance. I can't really blame him. I don't dance either, but it makes me a little sad at weddings to see other people dancing and not us.

I was talking to my pastor about this yesterday while we painted the new kids min room. She asked if I told Timmy and I said no. What I am about to say is one of those "silly girl things" that ladies will laugh at and agree with me and men will squint their eyes and tilt their heads in confusion. I don't want Timmy to dance with me just because I asked him to. I don't want to dance that much. I want Timmy to want to dance with me. I told you. Silly girl thing.

But the real reason I don't press the dancing at weddings is that Timmy's great to me. He might not be into public displays of affection (and I'm not referring to the gross PDAs you're thinking) but I have no doubt in my mind and in my heart that this kid loves me. He shows me and tells me all the time. Why would I fret about one missed dance at a wedding when I am confidently secure in his love for me?

I'm thinking about this today because of something Timmy did last night that loved me in just the right way. I didn't get home last night until around 7pm. Timmy started work at 3pm, so I hadn't seem him all day. The plan was for me and Jessie to stop by the station after work, but since I was running a few hours late, I decided to stay home. Around 9:30pm, the phone rang. It was the boy asking me to open the front door. He was standing there. He was out and thought to stop by for a minute to say goodnight. And it meant so, so, so much to me. More than a dance could ever.

I think one of the keys to marriage or at least my marriage is to acknowledge these little moments of love. To see them for what they are and to hold onto them. I sometimes feel like women are just waiting for their husbands to make these grand gestures of love and romance. They don't get it and they feel discontent with their marriage. But they didn't see the love in the day to day. They didn't appreciate all the love in the little things.

I am currently obsessed with milk. Timmy and I spent last week at the Vineyard National Worship Leaders Retreat - East in Asheville, NC. Breakfast is scheduled for two hours before the first session begins so Timmy and I have never made it to breakfast in our three years of attending. We just pack a bag filled with fresh fruit, bars, bagels, and snacks. When I finally make it to the cafeteria for lunch and dinner, I never really think about milk and I'm not sure I have ever seen milk. I think they only bring it out for breakfast. But then, at night, as it grows closer to bedtime, it happens. Milk!

All growing up, I would drink a glass of milk before I went to bed. I did it for years. Then it stopped around high school and I never quite picked it up again. Every now and then when it would get late and I was hungry, I would drink a big glass of milk. But now, things have changed and I think it all started with Slim Fast. For June, July, and August, I drank a Slim Fast shake twice a day. That's 16oz of milk everyday for three months. When I dropped Slim Fast, I found myself craving milk. I'd eat cereal for light meal or I'd drink 8oz as a 100 calorie snack. Actually, it's more like a 80 calorie snack.

But last week was rough. All I wanted was milk but no access to it without getting in a car. And one of our things when we go to Asheville is that we don't leave the facilities the entire week. So, I just craved milk all week. I'll give you one guess as to the first thing I did when I got home - we went to the store and bought milk and cereal. And when I got home, I had a delicious and satisfying bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. Oh man, so good. That was on Friday night and today is Tuesday morning. Every morning I've had cereal and every night I've had a glass of milk. I've been to the grocery store every day since I got back because I keep forgetting something and I'm going to have to go back today or tomorrow because I need more milk.

I can only assume and hope that this is my body's way of saying "I need what's in the milk." Because I have this new rule and all this milk drinking breaks it. My rule, since I started my new diet five months ago, is that I do not consume my calories in liquid form. For me, it's not worth it. If I'm going to consume 150 calories, I want to eat it and chew it, not drink as an after thought and not even notice. So, for the last five months, I've mainly had water to drink. For dinner, I usually have a sugar free juice like Crystal Like or the generic version. Occasionally, when I go out, I might have a diet soda. Oh, and twice I went to Burlap and Bean and treated myself to one of our their hot beverages.

But really, for the most part, I don't consume calories in liquid form except for milk. But there's something special about milk. First of all, my body doesn't really crave other beverages on a regular basis any more, but it still craves milk. Second, there is something so satisfying about it. It feels like a snack. My body responds to it like food.

So that's my entirely too long of a rant about milk. But I was just sitting here finishing up my breakfast thinking, "Man, Milk. It really does do a body good."

I was just reading this article by Tim Gunn and it made a lot of sense to me. It was about what he calls "vanity sizing". The article was in response to a comment made by Kirstie Alley who has been publicly battling her weight for quite a while. Recently due to her time on DWTS, she lost a lot of weight and announced that she's wearing a size 4. Timmy initially told me about that comment. He didn't believe it. He did not believe that she was a size 4. She looked good but she wasn't that small. So, Tim Gunn responded saying a very similar thing - Kirstie looks great. She's lost lots of weight but she is not a size 4. That's when he talked about vanity sizing. He did a little experiment where he took size 8 dresses from 1980, 1990, and 2000 and compared them. The difference between them was 2.5 inches in the waste.

That's a huge difference!

I'm been doing a bit of shopping the last few weeks. I'm not going crazy. I still refuse to do my big shopping until I reach my goal weight. However, I also refuse to buy all my new clothes at full price, so I've been buying summer shirts at clearance prices :) What I've noticed is that it depends on the brand and the store whether I wear a small, medium, or a large. Really? Now, I know that fabric and cut make a difference but I'm also drawn to similar types of clothes so I am not entirely sure why this was the case.

I especially noticed it with the Sonoma brand at Kohl's. I love Sonoma. It's casual but nice. It's comfortable, but not shorts and a tshirt comfortable. All my new Sonoma shirts are a small. Their medium looks huge on me. (One of my shirts is actually a petite small.) Do I like buying smalls? Of course! Do I actually believe I'm a small? Not really. Then yesterday while filing through the clearance racks, I found a pair of pants for $3.20, a Sonoma size 8. I decided for three bucks I would try it on and they were huge. They would fit me for a couple of weeks with a belt and then I wouldn't be able to wear them again. Is Sonoma telling me to go to size 6?! Because that's definitely not right!!

So, Tim Gunn must be right - vanity sizing. Sonoma knows their clients. They know how to make their clients feel great and how to make money off of it. "What? I'm a small shirt. This is so much fun! Let me buy more."

Sometimes I wish women's shopping was similar to men's. Measurements. They are great. They don't change. But then I remember Timmy complaining about his 34 pants aren't always 34 inches. It annoys the crap out of him - 34 inches is 34 inches. Grab some measuring tape!

Anyway. Nothing huge and profound. Just something that helped make sense of something I've been thinking about it. Maybe I'll try to post something soon about something important :)

This past Sunday, the 11am service reached 346 people. We only have 240 chairs. I wasn't there but I heard it was standing room only and there were people standing in the lobby as well. Crazy. What's really crazy to me is that there were 346 at the 11am service and the first weekend of July there were 377 at all three services combined. That's September for you. Insane. Good time for a second campus to start :)

I did this fun little thing this week that no one really knew I was doing. I'm in this fantastic awkward phase where my clothes don't really fit because I've lost so much weight. However, because I'm not at my goal weight yet, I refuse to buy new clothes. Instead, I went digging through my drawers wondering what I could wear. What I found was a bunch of clothes I haven't worn in forever.

So, a week ago Saturday, I wore this outfit that included a pair of brown capris and green shirt that I haven't worn in two years. Boy, was it the outfit to wear if I was looking for compliments! So many people commented on my weight loss. It was probably because I'm always wearing jeans and t-shirt and that day I went to church wearing real clothes. It was so much fun. When Tuesday came around and I was looking to get dressed for work, I decided to wear something I haven't worn in two years and I thought it would be fun if I did that everyday this week. And I did and it was lots of fun. In a way, it's like I have this new wardrobe without having to buy new clothes.

In May I put a plan in place: to get healthy and to lose the weight that's been both physically and emotionally bogging me down. So my long term goal was to lose 25-30 lbs by the end of 2011. I broke that plan down into two phases. Phase One was the summer: June, July, and August. The goal was 3-5 lbs per month with an end goal of 10-15lbs. I would use a Slimfast diet for the three months and exercise regularly. Phase Two would be to finish off the remainder of the 25-30 lbs and go back to all regular foods.

I am very proud to say that Phase One is complete. Not only did I make it through Phase One but it was a huge success. During these three summer months, I have lost a total of 18 lbs. I feel great. I look good. I'm proud of myself and I'm hopeful that weight doesn't have to control me.

Some fun highlights of the last three months:

1 - that first weigh in where I learned that I lost 9 lbs the first month - I'm doing it!

2 - when I first ran on the treadmill for 20 minutes for two days in a row, which meant it wasn't a one time fluke - I'm becoming a runner!

3 - when I found a pair of pants that had been missing for two months. When I put them on, I realized just how much my body was changing - it was awesome!

4 - when Timmy walked into the room while I was changing and his eyes twinkled a little differently - he likes the changes he's seeing!

5 - when I realized that I have tightened my belt loop to the last possible opening - new belt soon!

6 - when I wore Timmy's "wifebeater" to the park. I won't lie - I looked hot!

7 - when on my way from the park, Timmy dropped me off a mile from the house, so that I could run home. Even though, I wanted to die, I made it!

8 - when I comfortably wore a pair of jeans that have been sitting in storage for a year - woo hoo!

9 - when I ran my first 10 minute mile. man it hurt the next day, but it was totally worth it!

It's been a lot of work and it's been very all consuming. But it's totally worth it. I really do feel great. I can sprint Jessie up the stairs and I don't huff and puff. When I wake up the morning and first walk down the stairs, my knees don't hurt. I feel confident working out at the gym in front of guys. I'm starting to feel sexy again.

Phase Two started yesterday. I have four months to lose the last 12 lbs because I have decided that I want to lose the 30 and not the just the 25. Even though, I have until the end of the year, I would like to work toward losing my weight before Thanksgiving. I think it's going to be hard enough to not gain weight with the holidays much less to try to lose weight. I'm also back to regular foods. I'll probably still drink Slimfast on occasion but I know it's important to eat real food and I've missed it.

This fall I especially want to focus on my core. That's where most of my weight lingers. That's where I feel most self-conscious. That's where extra weight is most dangerous. I'll let you know how it goes.

I have a friend going through boy drama. I wish the drama could just be drama but when it comes to boys it also means heartache. I remember it well. Jeremy and I had drama. I had heartache. We both had confusion, lots and lots of confusion.

The summary of our story? I loved him. I loved him as much as he would let me love him. He was truly my best friend and what girl wouldn't believe that in the end she would marry her best friend. I can look back and say...Jeremy loved me. He loved me as best as he could. I was truly his best friend. I think he knew I was the logical choice but there was something missing and he didn't know what. So, we played this game of "are we/aren't we, will we/won't we" and we played this game for six years. Everyone was sure we would get married but by the end, even I had my doubts. Then around six years into our friendship, things started to change and he wasn't my everything anymore.

About a year later, I met another boy. With this boy, I have never experienced drama. I never had that deep heartache or painful confusion. Timmy knew what he wanted and decided very early on that I was it. To this day, he continues to choose me, even when I make it a little difficult for him.

In case you're wondering: Jeremy got married last year. Timmy and I went to the wedding and my heart was filled with joy. Jeremy and I don't talk as much as I would like. But whenever we do, it's such an easy conversation. It feels completely normal. It's like we've kept all the good from those six years and let go of all the drama. And after every conversation with Jeremy, I do two things: I thank God for taking such good care of me and Jeremy and I give Timmy a big hug and a kiss.

You know, I did marry my best friend in the end :)

I had a great trip to Chicago. I believe I really heard from God. Now comes the hard part - following through with the decisions I made. Thankfully, everything that happened and that I believe God told me I shared with the ladies who went with me. And I have given them clear instructions to help hold me accountable.

A few thoughts on the conference:

1. The Vineyard is my tribe. I knew this already but it's still worth saying.

2. These events are so much better when you have people with which to share it. And not just someone to go with but someone who will share the experience with you, pray with you, help sort through what you believe you're hearing, and help hold you to your decisions later.

3. There's nothing quite like a friend who really, truly knows you. God put his finger on a tender spot while I was away. Even though I was with some fabulous women who I got to know well, I had to call home and talk to someone who really knew me without having to go through explanations. I am so grateful for her.

There are other random thoughts, but I need to head out to the gym because...

4. I am becoming that person. I missed the gym. I missed my regular eating schedule.

I'm leaving for the airport in about 20 minutes. I'll be in Chicago for a few days for the first ever Vineyard National Women's Conference. I'm excited for the event. I'm excited to spend a few days with three of the coolest ladies of BRV. I'm excited for God to speak to us.

I am not so excited about being away from my husband. Right now, as I type, I'm mainly doing this to keep myself occupied. If I sit still too long, I'll start crying. I already know I'll cry on the car ride to the airport and when I say goodbye, but I'm trying to keep it off a little longer.

My husband thinks it's ridiculous how upset I can get when I think of leaving him, but you know what I can't help thinking...some day when our time together on this earth is over, I will probably do anything to have just one more day with him and this weekend I'm giving up four days. This is how my brain thinks. This is how my heart feels.

But I understand it's a little crazy, which is why, despite the thought and the feelings, I don't let it prevent me from taking these kinds of trips. I believe this trip will be good for me, for my spirit. I am hoping God speaks to me about very big things. And no matter how I feel, God always trumps Timmy. Thankfully, God is totally into how into Timmy I am :)