I have often said that the best part of working for a church is that I have the best view. I see things that no one else sees. Most of it is awesome like the day to day stories of people hearing from God. Some of it is not so good. There are things that I see the pastors deal with all the time that makes me say "I'm glad that's not my job" or "I could never do that."

There are a few people who are...well, for lack of a better word....needy. They don't have much so they need a lot. At first, it begins with they have no money, so they call the church for help. The church helps and then they keep calling for help. As it develops, it becomes that they still need help financially but they need the pastors. They have a question. They need advice. They have a crisis. They need to talk. It can get to the point where Michele and I recognize their phone numbers on the caller id. It is not unusual to get calls from the same person a few times a week and sometimes even a few times a day.

Yesterday we got a call. A guy who hasn't been around for a while and it turns out it's because he's been in jail. He wanted to let Mark know that he was back; that he just got out that morning. That statement intrigued me. He just got out of jail and one of the first calls he makes is to let Mark know he's back. I asked Michele about it. Is it out of financial need? I'm out of jail and now I have to provide my own needs again. Is it loneliness? Why would they call? They don't come to BRV. They aren't friends really. I just didn't get it. Then Michele explains it to me. That, at least for this particular guy, Mark is the only person he can call. With his rough lifestyle, he's burned a lot of bridges. But Mark is still there.

My concluding thought was this - They may not come to church. They may or may not have real faith. But Mark and Rich are their pastors. They are the ones they turn to. They are the ones they know will answer their phones or at least call them back. In some cases, Mark and Rich are their only friends. It's so odd for me to understand. I have so many people in my life that care about me. Sometimes it's annoying - "I'm okay just leave me alone!!" But in times of crisis, I would not be short of people who will help me, listen to me, pray with me, feed me, walk with me, love me.

So on this Thanksgiving morning, I am thankful for all of you, my dear friends and family. Sometimes you annoy the crap out of me, but I wouldn't trade you for anything.

I made goal :)

I am 30 lbs lighter and so much happier and healthier. It's been six months of calorie counting and exercising and overall obsessiveness. But, it feels great.

Remember those pants I mentioned in an earlier blog. When I reached my end of summer goal, I was thrilled to finally be able to wear a pair of jeans that have been in the closet for two years. Well, those pants don't fit me again :) I went to Timmy and said, "honey, will you mourn and rejoice with me? Will you mourn that once again my favorite jeans don't fit me but can we also rejoice that WE DID IT!!"

I use the phrase "we did it" because it's true. I didn't do it by myself. I could not have done it without Timmy's support and patience. Other notable thank yous to Megan and Michele for cheering me along and always being willing to listen to me talk incessantly about exercise, food, weight loss, body image, clothes, calories......Thank you, friends. WE DID IT!

So the new goal...well, I'm not concerned about losing pounds anymore. In fact, I need to start watching my weight in the opposite direction. I don't want to get too light. I think it might be good to weigh myself twice a month, just to make sure I don't gain weight back and to make sure I don't lose too much weight. But the plan is to lose a few inches around my waist. Most of what I read is that the average non pregnant woman shouldn't have a waist of more than 35 inches. Any more than that and you're talking other health concerns like heart disease and high cholesterol. I measured myself on Halloween and I was at about 38.5 inches. So, I still have a few inches to go. I'm going to focus in on my new workout routine and see what happens. But I'm not going to kill myself and I'm not going to stress. I'm doing great. I feel great. I look great :)

I am attempting to get back to normal today. For the last week, I've been sick. For the first five days it was these coughing fits that would take over at night. My abs have been sore for the three days because of them. One night I even vomited from coughing so much. Gross. I think vomiting is the worst. I've been incredibly weak and exhausted. I haven't slept through the night since last Tuesday night.

Because of being sick, I haven't worked out in a whole week. That in itself has thrown my body for a loop. It amazes me how much my body wants to be healthy and active. Because I feel sick and icky, I've eaten more comfort foods - aka junk food. So, that has me feeling sick to my stomach, very irregular, and emotionally guilty. For good measure, let's thrown in pms, just for kicks.

But last night, I slept through the whole night. Thank you, Jesus. I hope this means I am on the up swing. So, I'm going to try to take it easy still but I also need to get back to normal. I'm headed to the gym in a few minutes. My goal for the day is a really good stretch - I am so tight from a week's worth of inactivity - and thirty minutes on the elliptical to get my heart pumping.

Before I work out, though, I want to weigh myself. I'm curious. How much weight did I gain by not working out for a week and eating butter cookies and candy? I'm not freaking out. I know that there will be times when I just cannot work out, where the best thing for my body is to lay down for a week. I am willing to accept that as part of healthy living. But I am curious. And I do need to figure out the current weight, so that I can adjust the goal is need be.

Aside from the weight stuff, it really does feel good to breath again. It feels great to have gotten nine hours of uninterrupted sleep. It feels good to be even willing to go to the gym for a bit. It feels good to know I can go to office and not be in a haze. At least, I hope so. It is only 8:30 in the morning. We will see how I feel around lunch time :)

I'm still hurting. It's been three or four days since I met with the personal trainer. I completely skipped my workout yesterday. Well, technically, I declared it my weekly day of rest. But really, I could hardly move. My calf is aching. Today, I'm limping a little still. It loosened up during the day and I forced myself to go to the gym. I only did 30 minutes on the elliptical, though, because I did not want to push myself. And I'm glad I went to the gym. The elliptical felt good. So long as I kept a good pace, I didn't even notice any discomfort in my calf.

Tomorrow is the last day of the month, which means it is my official weigh in day. Since I haven't been feeling great, I decided to weigh in today, just in case I choose not to go to the gym tomorrow. Again, I'm glad I went to the gym. Another four pounds gone and I am two pounds from reaching my goal.

The funny thing is that my weight read .10 pounds. And my first thought is "that's because I haven't pooped today yet and I ate two slices of pizza for lunch." True story. Forgive me if it's too graphic, but it is my blog. So, provided my calf is up to it, I hope to go back to the gym tomorrow when it's my official weigh in day and see what the scale says. Maybe it will tell me that I lost five pounds in October and I am one pound from my goal :)

Oh my goodness. Yesterday I met with a personal trainer for the first time ever and today I hurt.

This past month has been difficult with my workouts. I've been super tired and feeling generally weak. Those two things, along with the cooler weather, make food, particularly bad food, more of a temptation. So, I'm a little nervous about my weigh in on Monday. Then again, I'm nervous before every weigh in.

I'm six pounds from my goal weight and I have until Thanksgiving to achieve that. I'm feeling pretty optimistic that I will make goal. If by chance, I don't make goal, I'm not devastated. I feel great. I look great. And I know that I will make goal before the end of the year.

Since I've hit a motivational wall and I'm approaching my goal, I thought it would be a good idea to meet with a personal trainer. I just wanted to ask some questions and get some tips for how to proceed. She put together a workout for me that focuses on the core and losing inches. We went through most of it yesterday and I knew instantly that I was going to feel it today.

I woke up this morning and I could feel it. Not terrible but definitely that "I just want to lay here and not move" feeling. I decided I would not go to the gym. I would take the day to rest. But since this isn't my regularly scheduled day of rest, I felt guilty and couldn't fall back asleep.

So I went. I did about a 1/3 of her workout and I had to stop. I couldn't do it. I was beat. But it was a good beat.

So here's the new plan. I'm not going to start with her workout plan right away. I'm going to work up to her plan. I did a third of the workout. I'm going to do that third for the next few days and then I will add a bit more until I get to the full thing.

But today, I'm going to limp along and be continually reminded that I still have a long way to go before I am a lean, mean, fitness machine :)

This weekend I did something I haven't done in a very long time. I went to Denny's on a Sunday at 10pm with some young single friends. It was like I was back in college, but I had a husband sitting next to me.

During this very late, very unhealthy dinner, my one friend received a text. She then said that so-and-so just had a DTR. In case you don't know what I am talking about - DTR stands for "defining the relationship." It's that talk between a guy and a girl, the "so what are we?" talk. DTR makes me laugh. I never heard this expression until a few years ago, long after I was married. My impression is that this expression is primarily used among the female population. I don't really see guys has saying, "I need to have a DTR soon."

This little moment got me thinking about my DTR with Timmy. It still makes me smile. I was sitting on his couch. We were holding hands. We had just starting holding hands maybe a week earlier and I had never held hands with boy before. So, it was a big deal for me. As a girl, I was pretty sure I knew what was going on with us but I needed to define the relationship. So, I looked at Timmy and asked "are you my boyfriend?" His response, "I sure hope so." Still makes me giggle because of how great it felt and how funny it was considering I was 25 and Timmy was 27. He-he.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I've been listening to a sermon series on Song of Songs. The series is called "The Peasant Princess" by Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill Seattle. I finished the series earlier this week. After listening to the whole thing, I would highly recommend it. I don't agree with everything he says, but I agree, and passionately agree, with a lot of what he says.

For my friends who are married - Even if you're happy and you'd say things are good, I'd still recommend this series. I'm really happy and I think things are really good with Timmy, but I'd love for things to be even better. I'd also like to be proactive in protecting and nurturing this good thing God has given me. Throughout the whole series, he offer questions to ask your spouse on the car ride home. Great questions to spark conversation and invest in the relationship. I've been challenged throughout this whole series to seek even more God in my marriage and I believe I'm seeing fruit already.

For my friends who would like to be married someday - I'd recommend this series. He encourages single people to develop a strong theology of marriage before you get married. Know what you believe. Know what you want. Know what you won't settle for. It will help you date well and seek a spouse well. He also encourages single people to start dealing with their sin, particular their sexual sin, before marriage. Marriage doesn't just wipe away your sin, even if it's sin committed with the person you eventually married. The consequences of sin still exist. I know from experience. Might as well start working on that before you get married. It will do you and your spouse a huge service.

For my friends who have no desire to be married - ever - I'd still recommend this series. Someone had emailed Mark Driscoll that this series was pointless to them. One of the comments he made is that even if you have no desire to ever be married, you're friends with married people right. You want to support them and speak into their lives. You have single friends who want to be married. You want to support them and speak into their lives too. Right? Married people are all around and we should know how to love them. Similarly, single people are all around and we should know how to love them too. FYI - I've listened to a few great sermons about singleness for this very reason.

This morning I'm thinking about one particular quotation from the series. He said "God's purpose for marriage isn't always happiness but it is always holiness." If I consider my relationship with God himself, it isn't always happy. There are times when I am angry at God, when I'm confused, when I don't want to speak to him, when I blatantly ignore him. But our relationship is based on his love for me and the holiness he desires for me. So, he'll say things like "I know you're angry with me and you don't want to talk about this, but we are going to deal with this issue." God desires happiness for me but not above his desire for my holiness. If that's the case for my relationship with God, what makes me think my marriage would be any different.

I actually don't think it's any different. A lot of times my marriage feels pretty easy. We have challenges, areas of growth and repentance. I've asked God to help me. Often times it comes down to God wanting to refine me and that bleeds into my marriage. However, all around me, I hear things like "I'm not happy anymore" and so it leads to divorce. Or "I'm not happy anymore" and that's where the conversation ends. Perhaps it's where God wants to begin the conversation about sin and brokenness. Perhaps it's where God wants to bring healing and reconciliation. Perhaps where God wants to teach something new about marriage.

"The purpose of marriage isn't always happiness; it is always holiness." I think that's a keeper.

I'm in need of some reflection.

Today was a great day. No, it was an awesome day. Blue Route Vineyard Community Church now has two campuses.

We've been talking about this for years. One of the perks to being on staff is that I'm privy to the pastor's thoughts before they are solidified or announced. We've been discussing and considering multisites for a few years. For the last few months, we've been working to making this actually happen.

Timmy and I have been a part of the team from the very beginning. So, we've been feeling it. Or at least, I have been feeling it. During the summer, it felt like I was going to two churches. I had all my commitments to the Media campus, but I also had weekly (sometimes twice a week) meetings for the Ridley campus. In addition, my work at the church office increased because of the second campus. When September rolled around, I was thrilled because my Media commitments ended and I felt like I could breathe again. But Ridley still has been very time consuming.

I can't imagine how much harder planting a church from scratch is. You start with nothing but a small committed team of people. We started this adventure with a small committed team of people but the support of an entire successful, stable congregation. We had their full support in every aspect - pastoral leading, finances, prayer, team members. Seriously, I can't imagine doing this from the ground up.

The last few weeks have been just as busy but it's been exciting in a different way. We've been in our building - Leiper Presbyterian Church in Swarthmore. Let me first say how incredible sweet the people at Leiper are. They are teaching me something about being Christians in the way they are supporting us, encouraging us, and showing us generosity. A truly special congregation. It's great to be in the building. To no longer be thinking about what we're doing but to actually be doing it. Every week, we build upon what we did the week before. We kept telling each other "it'll get better every week." Like the day when the video didn't work well and most of what we saw was Mark's floating head :) But every week, it does get better. There's something exciting about seeing how it will go next time. And as an admin person, it's just great to say "this is what we need now" or "this is how we can fix that."

And today was our launch. I don't know if my expectations were low or if God just wanted to blow up my high expectations. Today was incredible. I had a rough start to the day. I was snippy. I was in work mode. "Move out of my way, people. I've got work to do." But that stopped when a few of us gathered to pray before the service.

God came. He came to our pre-service prayer and he came to BRV | RIDLEY. We sensed him right away and throughout the entire service. There was so much. I think bullet points may be easier.

- God started healing Christi's hurt hip during pre-service prayer. She wasn't completely better but she wasn't limping anymore. I mean, healing before the service even started!

- The worship team and the AV team set up all our tech in 15 minutes!!! This was a big deal. You rock!!

- We had six people on the prayer team and three of them were guys. Say what?!?!

- Several of the Leiper folks stayed to worship with us. It was especially sweet when our team led us in How Great Thou Art.

- Christi rang the bell at the start of the service. The prayer team felt like she should do it today and as she rang it, it was us proclaiming victory.

- When Christi rang the bell, Jared Tindall started the service by welcoming everyone to the launch of our new service and invited everyone to join him in worship. It was truly special for Jared to do that. It's been a little weird for me not to have Mark present at Ridley. He's so a part of everything. Not just because he's the senior pastor and he's involved everything, but no one loves BRV like he does. He's been at every single important landmark in BRV's history, but he's not at Ridley. But his son opened the service today and led us in worshipping the Living God. Even now, my eyes are welling up a bit. It's like Mark was there and I see Mark's legacy and his hope coming to be.

- The entire worship team was under the age of 23. They're so young. It was awesome.

- 134 people. 107 adults and 27 children. Very cool.

- Pastor Bill and Mr. Neil from Leiper said a few words to us. My one regret of the day is that I didn't think to record their words until it was too late. First Pastor Bill made a joke "Sorry we didn't get the memo about the clothes" They were both wearing suits and ties :) Then Neil said "we're old school." He-he. He said "old school." Neil shared with us that the church is almost two hundred years old and now we're a part of that rich history. It fills my heart that we are part of this now. It fills my heart that they welcome us into their history. Over and over, Neil would say things like thousands of people, decades passing, a new congregation, but the same Spirit. How powerful. Then Pastor Bill shared with us a vision he had early this summer. While at a conference, he had a vision of their parking lot full of cars and their sanctuary filled with people. He said today that vision came to be. The people at Leiper are incredibly gracious. I really can't express into words what I feel when I see them and speak to them.

- The video sermon was awesome! Thank you, Mark, for wearing the Ridley shirt; we cheered when we saw it. Thank you for looking directly at the camera and saying hi; we said hi back. Thank you for acknowledging Dave Young; we applauded his hard work and he happened to be with us at that point. Thank you for thanking our Leiper friends; they were with us and did hear your kind and true words.

- Ministry was sweet. We prayed for a lot of people. I had a really special encounter with a woman. She grabbed my hand, said thank you, and then started crying. She couldn't even tell me her name. I just started praying for her and she grabbed me and cried on my shoulder. It was very quick and then she pulled back, thanked me and left. I don't have any clue what was going on with her, but she obviously encountered the Spirit of God.

- Christi was a rock star!! Every week we talk about what she can do to improve the following week and every week she gets better. Today, the woman who stood up front was the pastor. She didn't just try to be a pastor; she was the pastor. Mark and the council made a wise decision when they sought God about her. I am thrilled to work and serve with her. I'm proud to call her my pastor. I'm delighted to get to know her as my friend.

- After the service was just as much fun. Lots of hugs and high fives. Lots of "that was so great!" Lots of "God came." Lots of joy and gratitude.

- A group of us met up again for dinner at Iron Hill to celebrate the day and to celebrate the new Iron Hill/Burlap and Bean stout. It was great to rejoice with these people. Some of them are old friends; some of them are new friends. All of us shared in the special day and I was just really aware that we were in this together. When it happened and when it was great, we rejoiced together. They've been invested in this too. It's nice to be part of a team. And it was great to see Mark walk in through the door to celebrate with us :)

I know my thoughts are scattered, but there's just so much. I just wanted to throw out some of that and I wanted to share it with those of you who care.

Before I close out this post, one final thank you to one that truly did it all. Thank you God for loving us and letting us play. Thank you for loving Ridley and seeking after Ridley. Thank you for calling us into your community. Thank you for always being faithful. Thank you for showing yourself. Thank you for blessing BRV. May we always seek you and your kingdom.

"If I walk away from God, I'm capable of anything."

For the last few weeks, I've been listening to a lot of Mark Driscoll. Before anyone out there gets all bent out of shape, let me say that I know he is very controversial. Although, I don't agree with everything he says, I agree with most of what I hear. True, I mainly listen to his sermons on marriage, relationships, and sexuality, but I really, really agree with most of what he says on those topics.

Currently, I'm listening to an excellent sermon series entitled "The Peasant Princess" on the Song of Songs. Before you go downloading the podcasts on my recommendation, fair warning that Mark Driscoll is not one of those "Song of Songs is a metaphor between Christ and the Church." Uh-uh. Driscoll believes Song of Songs is a beautiful, passionate, at times explicit, love song about God's heart and intent for human marriage.

The sermon I listened to yesterday was filled with lots of great stuff, including some things that I nervously shared with my husband :) But what struck me the most was Driscoll's comment on Solomon. Driscoll began the whole series explaining that the Songs were written by King Solomon. Early in his days, God told Solomon that he could ask him for one thing and Solomon asked for wisdom. God granted him much wisdom. To this day, we benefit from his wisdom through the great gifts of Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and the Song of Songs.

Songs is beautiful, idealistic, and hopeful. As a married woman, I read these poems and listen to these related sermons and I pray that I could live my life well, that I could love my husband well. And then Driscoll turned away from preaching directly from the Songs text. He then addressed the question that so many have asked about Solomon. How could this great man turn so bad? Or more specifically, how could the man of Song of Songs, who so loved his wife that it continues to be the standard for all married couples, fall so far? At some point, the Bible will speak of Solomon's 700 wives and 300 concubines. Wait what happened?

"If I walk away from God, I am capable of anything."

Solomon walked away from God. He walked so far away that the impossible seemed to have happened. One of the points Driscoll wanted to make is that no one is immune from sin and the devastation that it brings. So, often, people today says things like "I would never do that." Or "how barbaric were those people." One specific example he used was that Solomon actually built a temple for one of the gods worshipped by one of his wives. This particular god demanded the sacrifice of a child. Driscoll said that some today would say "how barbaric." He then pointed out that more children are sacrificed today than in that time. It's just labeled as choice. Now, I'm not trying to get into that particular argument here. The point Driscoll is making and I agree is that we are broken, twisted people capable of doing things we would never do under "normal circumstances."

And that's what I want to hold in my heart from yesterday's sermon. If I walk away from God, I am capable of anything.

I went to a wedding this weekend and there was dancing, lots of dancing. But I don't dance and neither does Timmy. But just because I don't dance doesn't mean I wouldn't love the occasional slow dance at a wedding. It isn't even because I want to dance. It's because I want to dance with Timmy. I think it's the lingering 12 year old girl in me, the one who dreamed about dancing with that special boy. Now, I have that special boy and he doesn't dance. I can't really blame him. I don't dance either, but it makes me a little sad at weddings to see other people dancing and not us.

I was talking to my pastor about this yesterday while we painted the new kids min room. She asked if I told Timmy and I said no. What I am about to say is one of those "silly girl things" that ladies will laugh at and agree with me and men will squint their eyes and tilt their heads in confusion. I don't want Timmy to dance with me just because I asked him to. I don't want to dance that much. I want Timmy to want to dance with me. I told you. Silly girl thing.

But the real reason I don't press the dancing at weddings is that Timmy's great to me. He might not be into public displays of affection (and I'm not referring to the gross PDAs you're thinking) but I have no doubt in my mind and in my heart that this kid loves me. He shows me and tells me all the time. Why would I fret about one missed dance at a wedding when I am confidently secure in his love for me?

I'm thinking about this today because of something Timmy did last night that loved me in just the right way. I didn't get home last night until around 7pm. Timmy started work at 3pm, so I hadn't seem him all day. The plan was for me and Jessie to stop by the station after work, but since I was running a few hours late, I decided to stay home. Around 9:30pm, the phone rang. It was the boy asking me to open the front door. He was standing there. He was out and thought to stop by for a minute to say goodnight. And it meant so, so, so much to me. More than a dance could ever.

I think one of the keys to marriage or at least my marriage is to acknowledge these little moments of love. To see them for what they are and to hold onto them. I sometimes feel like women are just waiting for their husbands to make these grand gestures of love and romance. They don't get it and they feel discontent with their marriage. But they didn't see the love in the day to day. They didn't appreciate all the love in the little things.

I am currently obsessed with milk. Timmy and I spent last week at the Vineyard National Worship Leaders Retreat - East in Asheville, NC. Breakfast is scheduled for two hours before the first session begins so Timmy and I have never made it to breakfast in our three years of attending. We just pack a bag filled with fresh fruit, bars, bagels, and snacks. When I finally make it to the cafeteria for lunch and dinner, I never really think about milk and I'm not sure I have ever seen milk. I think they only bring it out for breakfast. But then, at night, as it grows closer to bedtime, it happens. Milk!

All growing up, I would drink a glass of milk before I went to bed. I did it for years. Then it stopped around high school and I never quite picked it up again. Every now and then when it would get late and I was hungry, I would drink a big glass of milk. But now, things have changed and I think it all started with Slim Fast. For June, July, and August, I drank a Slim Fast shake twice a day. That's 16oz of milk everyday for three months. When I dropped Slim Fast, I found myself craving milk. I'd eat cereal for light meal or I'd drink 8oz as a 100 calorie snack. Actually, it's more like a 80 calorie snack.

But last week was rough. All I wanted was milk but no access to it without getting in a car. And one of our things when we go to Asheville is that we don't leave the facilities the entire week. So, I just craved milk all week. I'll give you one guess as to the first thing I did when I got home - we went to the store and bought milk and cereal. And when I got home, I had a delicious and satisfying bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. Oh man, so good. That was on Friday night and today is Tuesday morning. Every morning I've had cereal and every night I've had a glass of milk. I've been to the grocery store every day since I got back because I keep forgetting something and I'm going to have to go back today or tomorrow because I need more milk.

I can only assume and hope that this is my body's way of saying "I need what's in the milk." Because I have this new rule and all this milk drinking breaks it. My rule, since I started my new diet five months ago, is that I do not consume my calories in liquid form. For me, it's not worth it. If I'm going to consume 150 calories, I want to eat it and chew it, not drink as an after thought and not even notice. So, for the last five months, I've mainly had water to drink. For dinner, I usually have a sugar free juice like Crystal Like or the generic version. Occasionally, when I go out, I might have a diet soda. Oh, and twice I went to Burlap and Bean and treated myself to one of our their hot beverages.

But really, for the most part, I don't consume calories in liquid form except for milk. But there's something special about milk. First of all, my body doesn't really crave other beverages on a regular basis any more, but it still craves milk. Second, there is something so satisfying about it. It feels like a snack. My body responds to it like food.

So that's my entirely too long of a rant about milk. But I was just sitting here finishing up my breakfast thinking, "Man, Milk. It really does do a body good."

I was just reading this article by Tim Gunn and it made a lot of sense to me. It was about what he calls "vanity sizing". The article was in response to a comment made by Kirstie Alley who has been publicly battling her weight for quite a while. Recently due to her time on DWTS, she lost a lot of weight and announced that she's wearing a size 4. Timmy initially told me about that comment. He didn't believe it. He did not believe that she was a size 4. She looked good but she wasn't that small. So, Tim Gunn responded saying a very similar thing - Kirstie looks great. She's lost lots of weight but she is not a size 4. That's when he talked about vanity sizing. He did a little experiment where he took size 8 dresses from 1980, 1990, and 2000 and compared them. The difference between them was 2.5 inches in the waste.

That's a huge difference!

I'm been doing a bit of shopping the last few weeks. I'm not going crazy. I still refuse to do my big shopping until I reach my goal weight. However, I also refuse to buy all my new clothes at full price, so I've been buying summer shirts at clearance prices :) What I've noticed is that it depends on the brand and the store whether I wear a small, medium, or a large. Really? Now, I know that fabric and cut make a difference but I'm also drawn to similar types of clothes so I am not entirely sure why this was the case.

I especially noticed it with the Sonoma brand at Kohl's. I love Sonoma. It's casual but nice. It's comfortable, but not shorts and a tshirt comfortable. All my new Sonoma shirts are a small. Their medium looks huge on me. (One of my shirts is actually a petite small.) Do I like buying smalls? Of course! Do I actually believe I'm a small? Not really. Then yesterday while filing through the clearance racks, I found a pair of pants for $3.20, a Sonoma size 8. I decided for three bucks I would try it on and they were huge. They would fit me for a couple of weeks with a belt and then I wouldn't be able to wear them again. Is Sonoma telling me to go to size 6?! Because that's definitely not right!!

So, Tim Gunn must be right - vanity sizing. Sonoma knows their clients. They know how to make their clients feel great and how to make money off of it. "What? I'm a small shirt. This is so much fun! Let me buy more."

Sometimes I wish women's shopping was similar to men's. Measurements. They are great. They don't change. But then I remember Timmy complaining about his 34 pants aren't always 34 inches. It annoys the crap out of him - 34 inches is 34 inches. Grab some measuring tape!

Anyway. Nothing huge and profound. Just something that helped make sense of something I've been thinking about it. Maybe I'll try to post something soon about something important :)

This past Sunday, the 11am service reached 346 people. We only have 240 chairs. I wasn't there but I heard it was standing room only and there were people standing in the lobby as well. Crazy. What's really crazy to me is that there were 346 at the 11am service and the first weekend of July there were 377 at all three services combined. That's September for you. Insane. Good time for a second campus to start :)

I did this fun little thing this week that no one really knew I was doing. I'm in this fantastic awkward phase where my clothes don't really fit because I've lost so much weight. However, because I'm not at my goal weight yet, I refuse to buy new clothes. Instead, I went digging through my drawers wondering what I could wear. What I found was a bunch of clothes I haven't worn in forever.

So, a week ago Saturday, I wore this outfit that included a pair of brown capris and green shirt that I haven't worn in two years. Boy, was it the outfit to wear if I was looking for compliments! So many people commented on my weight loss. It was probably because I'm always wearing jeans and t-shirt and that day I went to church wearing real clothes. It was so much fun. When Tuesday came around and I was looking to get dressed for work, I decided to wear something I haven't worn in two years and I thought it would be fun if I did that everyday this week. And I did and it was lots of fun. In a way, it's like I have this new wardrobe without having to buy new clothes.

In May I put a plan in place: to get healthy and to lose the weight that's been both physically and emotionally bogging me down. So my long term goal was to lose 25-30 lbs by the end of 2011. I broke that plan down into two phases. Phase One was the summer: June, July, and August. The goal was 3-5 lbs per month with an end goal of 10-15lbs. I would use a Slimfast diet for the three months and exercise regularly. Phase Two would be to finish off the remainder of the 25-30 lbs and go back to all regular foods.

I am very proud to say that Phase One is complete. Not only did I make it through Phase One but it was a huge success. During these three summer months, I have lost a total of 18 lbs. I feel great. I look good. I'm proud of myself and I'm hopeful that weight doesn't have to control me.

Some fun highlights of the last three months:

1 - that first weigh in where I learned that I lost 9 lbs the first month - I'm doing it!

2 - when I first ran on the treadmill for 20 minutes for two days in a row, which meant it wasn't a one time fluke - I'm becoming a runner!

3 - when I found a pair of pants that had been missing for two months. When I put them on, I realized just how much my body was changing - it was awesome!

4 - when Timmy walked into the room while I was changing and his eyes twinkled a little differently - he likes the changes he's seeing!

5 - when I realized that I have tightened my belt loop to the last possible opening - new belt soon!

6 - when I wore Timmy's "wifebeater" to the park. I won't lie - I looked hot!

7 - when on my way from the park, Timmy dropped me off a mile from the house, so that I could run home. Even though, I wanted to die, I made it!

8 - when I comfortably wore a pair of jeans that have been sitting in storage for a year - woo hoo!

9 - when I ran my first 10 minute mile. man it hurt the next day, but it was totally worth it!

It's been a lot of work and it's been very all consuming. But it's totally worth it. I really do feel great. I can sprint Jessie up the stairs and I don't huff and puff. When I wake up the morning and first walk down the stairs, my knees don't hurt. I feel confident working out at the gym in front of guys. I'm starting to feel sexy again.

Phase Two started yesterday. I have four months to lose the last 12 lbs because I have decided that I want to lose the 30 and not the just the 25. Even though, I have until the end of the year, I would like to work toward losing my weight before Thanksgiving. I think it's going to be hard enough to not gain weight with the holidays much less to try to lose weight. I'm also back to regular foods. I'll probably still drink Slimfast on occasion but I know it's important to eat real food and I've missed it.

This fall I especially want to focus on my core. That's where most of my weight lingers. That's where I feel most self-conscious. That's where extra weight is most dangerous. I'll let you know how it goes.

I have a friend going through boy drama. I wish the drama could just be drama but when it comes to boys it also means heartache. I remember it well. Jeremy and I had drama. I had heartache. We both had confusion, lots and lots of confusion.

The summary of our story? I loved him. I loved him as much as he would let me love him. He was truly my best friend and what girl wouldn't believe that in the end she would marry her best friend. I can look back and say...Jeremy loved me. He loved me as best as he could. I was truly his best friend. I think he knew I was the logical choice but there was something missing and he didn't know what. So, we played this game of "are we/aren't we, will we/won't we" and we played this game for six years. Everyone was sure we would get married but by the end, even I had my doubts. Then around six years into our friendship, things started to change and he wasn't my everything anymore.

About a year later, I met another boy. With this boy, I have never experienced drama. I never had that deep heartache or painful confusion. Timmy knew what he wanted and decided very early on that I was it. To this day, he continues to choose me, even when I make it a little difficult for him.

In case you're wondering: Jeremy got married last year. Timmy and I went to the wedding and my heart was filled with joy. Jeremy and I don't talk as much as I would like. But whenever we do, it's such an easy conversation. It feels completely normal. It's like we've kept all the good from those six years and let go of all the drama. And after every conversation with Jeremy, I do two things: I thank God for taking such good care of me and Jeremy and I give Timmy a big hug and a kiss.

You know, I did marry my best friend in the end :)

I had a great trip to Chicago. I believe I really heard from God. Now comes the hard part - following through with the decisions I made. Thankfully, everything that happened and that I believe God told me I shared with the ladies who went with me. And I have given them clear instructions to help hold me accountable.

A few thoughts on the conference:

1. The Vineyard is my tribe. I knew this already but it's still worth saying.

2. These events are so much better when you have people with which to share it. And not just someone to go with but someone who will share the experience with you, pray with you, help sort through what you believe you're hearing, and help hold you to your decisions later.

3. There's nothing quite like a friend who really, truly knows you. God put his finger on a tender spot while I was away. Even though I was with some fabulous women who I got to know well, I had to call home and talk to someone who really knew me without having to go through explanations. I am so grateful for her.

There are other random thoughts, but I need to head out to the gym because...

4. I am becoming that person. I missed the gym. I missed my regular eating schedule.

I'm leaving for the airport in about 20 minutes. I'll be in Chicago for a few days for the first ever Vineyard National Women's Conference. I'm excited for the event. I'm excited to spend a few days with three of the coolest ladies of BRV. I'm excited for God to speak to us.

I am not so excited about being away from my husband. Right now, as I type, I'm mainly doing this to keep myself occupied. If I sit still too long, I'll start crying. I already know I'll cry on the car ride to the airport and when I say goodbye, but I'm trying to keep it off a little longer.

My husband thinks it's ridiculous how upset I can get when I think of leaving him, but you know what I can't help thinking...some day when our time together on this earth is over, I will probably do anything to have just one more day with him and this weekend I'm giving up four days. This is how my brain thinks. This is how my heart feels.

But I understand it's a little crazy, which is why, despite the thought and the feelings, I don't let it prevent me from taking these kinds of trips. I believe this trip will be good for me, for my spirit. I am hoping God speaks to me about very big things. And no matter how I feel, God always trumps Timmy. Thankfully, God is totally into how into Timmy I am :)

I didn't sleep well last night. On Thursday, I'm flying to Chicago for a few days. I'm really excited about the trip itself. I just tend to get a little anxious when I'm going away without Timmy. He worked last night, so I was in bed, alone with my thoughts. Before I knew it, I was imagining life without him and I was crying. Then, once the thoughts and the headache were there, it was so hard to shake it off. The last time I looked at the time it was 2:30. I turned off the lights at 1am. Thankfully, I still managed to get up early so that I can go to the gym. Hopefully, this means that I will asleep easily tonight.

5 pounds and I'm feeling good.

9lbs in the first five weeks. 5lbs in the second four weeks. I seriously cannot complain especially when you keep in mind a few things:

1 - I did really poorly with my diet especially at my weekly small group when there is an assortment of wonderful food.

2 - I had to modify my cardio because of an unstable ankle and knee.

3 - I definitely put a lot of attention into strength training and I'm developing muscles to show for it.

4 - I'm two months into a change in my lifestyle. Who knows how my body and my metabolism are adjusting to these changes.

So, two months into my three month challenge and I am one pound from my Stage One goal - not bad :)

Last chance workout today.

When I started my summer of healthy living, I decided it would be better if I just weighed myself once a month. Any more than that and I might drive myself crazy. So, I weighed myself on June 30 and in those first five weeks, I lost 9 pounds. I was really proud of myself. Now, it's July 31. I'm getting ready to head over to the gym for one last workout before I weigh in.

I'm nervous. This month was hard. Since I upped my workout, I decided to up my calorie intake by a little. However, I also started experiencing pains: chest was sore so it was hard to breath, my left ankle hurt and so did my right knee. Because of those little "injuries" and an attempt to prevent a real injury, I didn't go as hard on my workouts as I wanted. However, I didn't adjust my calorie intake for my lesser workouts. In fact, I ate even more this month. That's what happens when you have a very social month. Lots of hanging out with friends means lots of food.

So, I'm nervous. I keep telling myself that my original goal was 3-5 pounds a month for the first three months because I wanted to lose 15 pounds this summer. This goal is still easily attainable. It's just that beautiful, special 9 pound month spoiled me.

My pep talk: Take it easy, Melissa. You are doing great. Steady is the key here. Making life changes is the key here. Remember the number doesn't matter as much, so long as you are seeing changes in your body. And you are!

I've been missing a pair a jeans for a while. I wasn't sure what happened to them. I haven't worn them since before my Kaiser family vacation in early June. Well, I found them. Turns out they were exactly where they were supposed to be. I just didn't look carefully. And today, I put them out. I was literally jumping up and down with excitement and high-fiving and hugging Timmy. You see, I've been working out and trying to eat better. I've been really committed to getting healthy and losing some weight. I don't necessarily see the change day to day. I see little things here and there. I hear what my family and friends tell me. But not wearing one of my favorite jeans for almost two months and then putting them on definitely helped me see. And it was so stinkin' exciting!!

When I killed my mac mini earlier this year, I was preoccupied with one thing - save my music! And we did. But I just realized what else was on there that wasn't saved....all my IM conversations with Timmy when we first started dating. Included in that was the IM conversation that lead to the realization that this guy was "the one." I was remembering that night and that conversation. I was remembering how I was pacing around my room, saying to myself "no way! really? he's it. oh my goodness." Then I remembered how I wanted to scrapbook that conversation and that it was saved on....oh, wait! It was saved on the computer that I killed earlier this year. So sad :(

Healthy spirit. Healthy mind. Healthy body.

This is what I feel like God really wants from me. He wants me to be healthy. I believe he's calling me to stay focused mentally and not allow my thoughts to stray. I believe he's calling me to care for my body with good, sensible diet and exercise. I believe he's calling me to stay better connected to him and allow him to be the source of my mental and physical health.

Managing all three is difficult. It feels like you're juggling. The last few weeks have been pretty easy. I'm super motivated and excited. This week was a little harder and once it starts getting a little harder then I become less excited, which means less motivated, which means less disciplined and then it's even harder and the cycle continues.

I just want to keep going strong. My body is happy with me. My mind is happy with me. My spirit is happy with me. This healthy me is the me I want to be. I just need God to help me keep going.

This weekend was my crazy adventure: pushing a dead car off the highway; a five minute, $30 cab ride to a scary gas station where men were screaming and cursing and I was sure a gun would come out at any moment; an impromptu trip to EWR involving a shuttle and the AirTrain; $250 for a 24 hour, one way car rental; a 30 minute trip trying to cross the street; a no-show tow truck driver; $60 to prevent the car from being towed by the hotel. But at least the concert was awesome and the company was the best :)

I had many thoughts this weekend but two continue to stick with me.

First, I am very grateful for God's provision. Not the miraculous, supernatural provision in an emergency. I mean the day to day ways in which he always takes care of us like providing Timmy and I with jobs and the ability to save and providing us with AAA through Mary's generosity and mothering heart. This weekend was an inconvenience but it wasn't super stressful for me because I knew I had money in savings to get me back home and we had AAA to get the car back to Philadelphia. And I fully acknowledge that all of it is God's provision.

Second, I'm an adult. I very seldomly feel like an adult. It's my theory that I won't feel like one until I have a child. But then I have one of those days when I walk right into the Newark International Airport and no one questions me and I hand the Hertz lady a drivers license and credit card and she gives me a Kia Optima. I'm not a kid. I am 31 and people, for the most part, automatically trust me. Weird.

I'm committed to a summer of getting healthier. I've wanted to do it for a while but health issues have kicked me in the rear. I'm on week three of my diet and I'm learning that I need to know my options. When my husband and I are on the road and we stop at a fast food joint, I need to know what I can actually eat there. So, tonight I visited the websites of the fast food places I most frequent and I looked up the calorie counts to my go-to items. Here they are:

Arby’s

Regular roast beef 360

Small curly fries 450

McDonald’s

McChicken 360

Small fries 230

6 nuggets 280

10 nuggets 470

Chick-Fil- A

Chicken sandwich 430

8 nuggets 260

Medium fruit cup 70

Small fruit cup 50

Small waffle fries 27

Regular Lemonade 170

Diet Lemonade 15

Wendy’s

10 nuggets 450

Value fries 230

Small chili 210

JR Vanilla Frosty 180

Pizza Hut

6” cheese 590

6 “ pepperoni 610

one breadstick 140

marinara (3oz) 60

2 pieces / garlic parm boneless wing 260

Wawa

Chicken parm sandwich 570

Turkey on regular shorti 450

Turkey on wheat shorti 490

Italian on regular shorti 530

Things I learned:

1. I love bread but bread will be the hard for maintaining a low calorie meal.

2. Bye bye Pizza Hut. I've loved knowing you. I will especially miss you, my dear garlic parmesan boneless nuggets.

3. Chick-Fil-A can stay in the game: nuggets, fruit cup, and diet lemonade aren't terrible. Thank you!

4. Oh, french fries, I don't know what I'm going to do about you.

5. Is a wheat roll really more calories than a regular roll??

I've got pride issues.

I'm kinda depressed because I just spent the last hour looking up high school and college acquaintances. Then I ask myself, "what have done with my life?" Which is total crap because I really love my life. It's just in nights like this that my pride issue becomes really obvious to me.

I am an introvert, an extreme introvert. In college, I learned that being an introvert or extrovert is related to how you gain or lose energy. The question to ask is: at the end of a long day, how do you recharge? Do you want to grab a beer with some friends or stay home by yourself? 95% of the time the answer is I want you to leave me alone.

I've decided not to go to one of my family's memorial day picnics. Primarily because I am an introvert. The last couple of months my energy level has been super low. This week in particular is really low. So when faced with two picnic options: 30 people or 10 people. I picked 10 and I see them all the time, so there isn't small talk. In fact, I can take a nap on the couch and they wouldn't really care. But I am a little sad that I am the way that I am. That I can't muster up what I need to see my family. I feel a little bad that I told my family that I sometimes find these big gatherings emotionally and socially draining and now I wish I hadn't been so honest with them. But the truth is the truth and I thought it was better than just never responding to the invitation and never showing up at the picnic. I'm hoping that my energy level will improve quickly and I'll be able to make it to the next family picnic.

As the years continue to pass, the more I am convinced that I married the right man. I mean, I never had a doubt, but more and more I see how we fit together. True, I drive him crazy a lot of the time and sometimes he even drives me crazy. But I still believe God put us together for a reason, and I am grateful for the ongoing confirmation that I heard God correctly. I love how well God knows me and knows Timmy and I love how sometimes it feels like he knew all along that Tim Kaiser and Melissa Rolon would be a good match.

Hold up!

I just looked up the word "affection" in the dictionary and one of the "use this word in sentence" examples was "the prisoners crave affection and hence participate in sexual relationships." What? Is this really the best sentence you can come up with for "affection" ?

Alright, so I have an issue with network TV. They create these new shows. They air them and want us to watch them. So, I watch them and I watch a lot of them. And then they cancel them after a season or sometimes not even a full season. Chase, Off the Map, No Ordinary Family, The Cape, Law & Order: LA, The Event. All killed in their first season and all I can hope for is the producers of the individual shows were given enough notice so that I can have a little bit of closer. (Thank you, Jerry Bruckheimer, for Chase's closure.) This makes me not want to watch new shows. Why bother getting into a show if the chances are very good it will be cancelled? I feel like the jaded woman who doesn't want to give love another try because she's had her heart broken too often.

I was at a prayer meeting last night. Not at all having to do with some people predicting today is Judgment Day and the beginning of the end. The opposite actually. We got together to seek God regarding BRV's future and the plans we're making. We wanted to come together to ask him for his leading and wisdom. As I sat there with my friends, leaders, and partners, I had this thought - even if Judgment Day were today, even if the rapture did happen and we all were gone in an instant, I think God was pleased with our meeting. I think he would want us seeking him and working for his kingdom until the very end. I think he would always want us moving forward. Cloud-watching (or earthquake watching) not good.

BRV is going to change this weekend. The change is already happening but it's going public this weekend. It's exciting; I'm looking forward to it. But there is something a little ... I'm not sure what the word is. I just know that next year, my church will look different, very different.

This afternoon we got one of those "This is not a bill" statements from our insurance company. It's just an explanation of benefits during a recent visit to a doctor. In my case, I had a couple of doctor visits and a series of tests done and we racked up a non-bill of $37,000. Good golly! Good thing that wasn't a real bill. Thankfully, I only had three $10 copays. Thirty bucks - I can handle $30. I'm grateful that Timmy works and provides our family with health insurance. I'm grateful that he works for a hospital and it's good insurance. Perhaps others would say it isn't good insurance, but all I know is that if I'm ever sick or think somethings not right or fall and break my shoulder, I go to Crozer and they take care of me and I get a "This is not a bill" statement instead of a "you owe me forty grand" statement.

You know the saying - it's the thought that counts. It's true.

This afternoon Timmy told me that this morning during his drive from work, he tried to win me tickets to a preview of the new tv show Franklin and Bash. Why? Because its star Mark-Paul Gosselaar would be at the event and Timmy knows how special MP is to me. Dito. My husband is the sweetest.

Oh I forgot a funny story from this week. I was driving in Media, windows down, music blaring. Not unusual for me. Then I laughed when I realized what was blaring: Redneck Woman, Gretchen Wilson. I thought of this brown girl driving in this white town and that song really, really loud. I shook my head at myself. Then I remembered Timmy telling me about the time he and Billy were at a red light blaring that same song and singing along. That was probably an even more ridiculous sight :)

I have weird taste in music. At least, I think so or rather, I've been told. I'm not sure I'm weird so much as varied. Usually when I listen to the my iPod, I decide what genre I'm in the mood for and then shuffle within that genre. But today, I did something I never do - I just shuffled through my entire song collection. The first ten songs that came through made me laugh.

Let's Get Married - Jagged Edge ft Run DMC

You Are Not Alone - Michael Jackson

It's Not Unusual - Tom Jones

I Hear Your Call - Rod Snyder

Martyr & Thieves - Jennifer Knapp

White Boys - from Hair

Esta Cobardia - Frankie Ruiz

Don't Let Me Lonely Tonight - James Taylor

83 - John Mayer

Lean On Me - Bill Withers

I feel this thing in my chest. It's big and heavy and kind of makes it hard to breath. I want to cry it out but I can't.

This morning I read some news that made me sad. It was one of those moments when I had to close my eyes and sigh deeply. Then tonight, I read some more news that...well, at first it left me feeling completely shocked and then it felt like a broken heart and now it's hard to breathe.

I feel so sad. I feel like we're settling too much. We're settling for less than what God wants for us because it's hard to follow God completely. But if we keep settling than what's left: a Gospel that's not really good news, a God who's tame. I don't want to settle. I know I may look or feel foolish going for it or it may be hard and I may want to give up but I don't want to settle.

God help me to fight hard for you. I want to be like you. Your forgiveness knows no limit. Your patience infinite. Thank you for treating us better than we treat you or treat each other. Please teach us. Teach me.

700 people? How does that even happen? This Easter weekend, the church's attendance record of 563 was obliterated by 700 friends and guests. At our staff meeting earlier this week, we went around the table and made our predictions: 535. 550. 575. 600! 600 was dreaming big. Wow, really, could we reach 600 this weekend when we just reached 500 for the first time earlier this year? When I received the text that said 700, I asked if it were a typo. Wow. Incredible. I sent our senior pastor a text and joked "we should start another church." It was a joke because we are actively praying about a new site to launch in the fall. His response to my text, "why didn't I think of that" :) 700. Amazing.

Christ is Risen!

It's Good Friday and as part of our Leap of Faith season, I just read Luke 22:47-23:25 - the arrest and trial against Jesus. Of all that is said in those few sections, one verse especially stood out to me.

"But this is your hour - when darkness reigns." Luke 22:53

I think Jesus is being quite literal in this passage. He starts by saying that the charges against him are for things he has done and said in the middle of the day for anyone and everyone to hear. He has not been secretive in any way. Yet, now, when the priests and the soldiers come to arrest Jesus, they do it when it's dark and there isn't a crowd. Jesus, while committing his alleged crimes, had nothing to hide. Yet, the leaders, who were seeking holy justice, hid under the dark of night.

Particularly what struck me with this verse was the attitude I heard in my own voice when I read it. This is your hour, Satan. This is your moment when your darkness will reign most. This is it. This night is the high point for Satan when he thinks he has done it - defeated God. His darkness reigns! But he's wrong. When I read this verse, it sounds like this, "Enjoy it. This is your one moment. Enjoy it while it lasts because we (Jesus and the Father) are not done." That's what I hear when I read "But this is your hour - when darkness reigns."

It's Friday, but Sunday's coming.

"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfil? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

One Week

I'm not sure. I'm not sure if anyone can ever really answer that outside of being in the situation. But I think I would talk a lot. I already talk a lot but I think I would talk a lot more. I would want to tell those dearest to me just how much I loved them and I would want to encourage them and challenge them. I would thank my friends and family for loving me because I am deeply loved. I wouldn't want to go somewhere exotic or see a band or fulfill a crazy dream. I'd want to stay right here in southeastern PA because I love home. And I'd want Timmy to never leave my side. And I'd want to worship Jesus with a new perspective and a new hope.

What book would I write? I've always wanted to write my story. That's part of the reason I journal but really 90% of my journals wouldn't make sense to anyone other than me. But I've always wanted to write my story but when I start, I get bogged down with sentence structure and word choice. I get overwhelmed with how important my stories are to me that they never make it to text. Lately, I keep taking notice of those new programs where you speak and it turns it to an electronic document. I watch those commercials and think "I could speak my stories and then edit them. That's probably easier than starting from scratch." I want to do that. There's no reason not to. Why not buy this software or ask for it for Christmas and do something I've always wanted to do? I want my story to last longer than me.

Wow. I just discovered Turkey Hill's Peanut Butter Pie Frozen Yogurt: peanut butter frozen yogurt with peanut butter cup pieces and a graham crust swirl. I didn't think I would like the graham crust swirl but it was amazing!!

14 years ago, I had this profound experience with God, and I knew I would never be the same. Thank you, Jesus, for knowing my need when I didn't, saving me when I couldn't, and fighting for me when I wouldn't.

I don't think it's a coincidence that I seem to reconnect with God right when I am facing a personal crisis. It's like he knows that I couldn't handle it on my own.

Last night I had a dream that the church got over $60,000 in cash. But the dream quickly turned bad when every time I counted the money, it came to a different total. I'm not sure how many times I counted that money in my dream. Yeah, that's my job seeping into my rest time.

The headline read Would Jesus believe in evolution?. It made me laugh at first. Not the idea of Jesus believing in evolution but that Jesus would believe. In believing, you're saying "I accept this as true" or "I feel sure that this is true". But there is a still a possibility of being wrong. You will never hear me say "I believe that I am a girl." No, I AM a girl. No doubt.

So, originally, I laughed at the idea that Jesus would believe in anything since he is God and I laughed at the idea that he believed in evolution because he was at the beginning and knows exactly what went down. But then comes all of the theological questions and ideas about Jesus' omniscience. Did Jesus actually know everything when he was earth? Or did he relinquish some of that power so that he could be more like his fellow humans when he walked on this earth? Hmm, interesting.

On a side note to this blog entry: I thought the article was pretty lame.

Being a girl can be hard, but one thing I love about being a girl is having girlfriends. I love my husband. He is incredibly satisfying but there is a part of me that can only be tended by my girls.

I once heard a sermon where the pastor said that your spouse is God's perfect provision for you. I think that's beautiful and worth remembering for the rest of my life. Today, when I felt scared and vulnerable, Timmy gave me what I needed because he lets God provide for me through him.

Dissatisfied with the adjective "great" in my blog subheading. One adjective that encompasses my husband and all that he means to me. "Great" seems so...blah.

I regularly have what Timmy calls "freak outs". A lot of stuff happens to me in that blurry space between sleep and reality. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming or gasping for air. Sometimes I don't even wake up from it. I don't remember it in the morning until Timmy tells me about it. It happens regularly enough that it doesn't freak Timmy out any more. He just rolls over and tells me to go back to sleep. Well, last night, Timmy wasn't there but I remember on my own.

I dreamt I was being attacked. I think it was by an animal and I was screaming for help. My arms were flailing trying to protect myself from this animal but it kept attacking me. I finally woke up to realize I must have been screaming in the real world because my dog was awake and excited and I was hitting her with my flailing arms. Hers was the fur from the animal I felt in my dream. Oops. Sorry, JJ honey. I didn't mean to freak out on you. Mi malo.

I've decided to take over this blog. Technically, it belongs to me and Timmy. While he is still a contributor and is welcome to make a post whenever he wants, he won't be because he created a new one. So, I'm taking over. Just me.

Feeling kind of weepy these days. Weepy in a good way. That I might cry at any moment but if I did, it doesn't mean it's bad.

Reading Luke tonight. One line read "As they (Jesus and his disciples) sailed, he (Jesus) fell asleep." My eyes started to well up. So human. I would do that.