tonight's rambling

I'm sleepy. I could probably fall asleep if Timmy came to bed with me. However, he is on night shift this week so he needs to go to bed later to ensure that he is rested for work. Since I have gone to bed the last two nights without him and would rather not do so tonight, I'm going to blog a little instead. You know, I think the little picture in my living room at the moment is super cute. My beautiful boy is next to me playing his new Marvel Ultimate Alliance video game (Yes, it finally showed up today). I'm sitting here with the computer on my lap, curled up in my bath robe with the monogram Timmy and I share. (Yes, we have matching monogrammed bath robes.) Every now and then he turns away from the tv screen and gives me a little look and it makes me smile.

Okay, okay. This isn't just an entry when Melissa acts all girlie and sappy and the guys want to vomit and the single girls want to scream and the married ladies smile. I was just thinking about boys today. Not the beautiful boy next to me but the other boys, the ones before Timmy - the ones that broke my heart, that ones that made my heart flutter a little, the ones that made me cry, the ones that me grin really, really stupidly, the ones I wondered "is this the man I'm going to marry?" Unfortunately, I was like many single women who asked this question of any man that flashed a cute smile in my direction.

So, today I was thinking about some of these boys and they can still make me smile. I think about how much fun those crushes were before they became...well, crushes and then they started to hurt. I think about how silly I was and how sad and lonely I was. Some of those boys I don't smile when I think of them. Some make me sad. Some make me angry. But one of the feelings I feel when I think of all of them is the same. With each one, I am grateful. Grateful that God took such good care of me. Even though I dreamed a lot about these boys and they made me feel a certain way and I wondered of our future, nothing ever came of it. I was a silly girl daydreaming - at most, a little flirting here and there but God kept me very safe. Toward the end of my single days before Timmy showed up, I was pissed at God for keeping me so safe - I felt like daddy wasn't letting his little girl grow up and it pissed me off. I remember this one time: I was at a movie with a male friend. I said something like "I feel like God's always next to me and you will never touch me because of it." He smiled and said, "Yes. You're right. I won't." I was pissed. But I get it now and I'm so grateful.

For our premarital counseling, Patrick had us write essays telling each other why we loved each other. One of the biggest reasons I love Timmy or maybe one of the greatest effects of loving Timmy is that I feel like he makes sense of my past. He makes sense of all those nights I lay in bed crying, doubting God and His plan, wondering about all these silly boys and those silly girl questions. Now I sit in my oversized bathrobe staring at a boy completely enthralled in his video game and I say "thank you, Lord." Thank you for knowing me better than I know myself. Thank you for being "tough" with me because you knew the good you had waiting for me. Thank you for sparing so much of my heart and so much of my body. I feel honored and humbled that you would care so much for me and so much for my marriage that you would actually put so much effort to protecting me and Timmy.

I think Timmy is getting tired of his game. I'm going to suggest going to bed now. I'm sleepy and I missed sleeping next to my boy. He really is beautiful, you know.