The Kiss

It's true. I had my first kiss on my wedding day.

I wish I could say that a long time ago God revealed to me that He wanted me to wait to share my first kiss with my husband. No, for years I thought something was wrong with me, that I was some sort of freak. I didn't understand and I cried - a lot. Night after night after night, I cried myself to sleep not understanding what God was doing. Then about a year and a half ago, just a few months before Timmy and I met, God spoke to me. One afternoon while praying and reflecting on sexual purity and sexual sin, God spoke to me. It was as clear as anything. Deep in my heart, it all made sense. I can't just casually kiss anyone. It isn't in my nature to do that. When it happens I need to know this is it, I need to know he is the one. And not like I knew others were the one. No, I need to know because we have discussed it. We have prayed about it. We have discussed it with our friends, our family, our pastors. And it dawned on me, we need to be talking about marriage. We need to be engaged.

But I happened to be reading this book about Christian men and their fight for sexual purity and I really believed God wasn't just saying the kiss would happen when I was engaged but when I was married. I didn't like that - at all. I was tired of waiting. I was ready for my kiss. Man that was hard to hear. I spent a while thinking and praying about it but the truth was there was no real thought or prayer necessary because it instantly made perfect sense. I still didn't want to rush into any definite decision but it was so settled - deep inside of me. And I felt great!! I found such freedom. It was like getting a glimpse into God's plan for me and my husband. I was honored that He should care so much for our marriage that He would protect it so much. I was honored that after years of guarding it Himself, He felt confident enough in me to let me guard it myself. It was a huge responsibility, but I felt up to it. That is until I met a boy.

I was fine with my decision about the kiss. I really believed it was God's doing. I had a male friend say to me "good luck with that" when I told him what was going on. And my response to him was "well, good thing I'm only looking for one." If the guy isn't into it, that very clearly tells me to move on. In fact, it was the night that I told Timmy about the kiss, that I asked God "is this it?" Up to that point I was trying to be really cool and not let myself start thinking too much. But Timmy's response was so amazing that I had to ask God if this was the one He wanted for me. And well, you know the answer to that one :)

It wasn't until a little after our engagement that I really began to struggle with "the kiss." Up to that point, I was fine with waiting, but then, well, I really wanted to kiss Timmy. And I was annoyed and frustrated about it but still completely convicted. And again Timmy was amazing. He embraced my decision and he made it is own. And when I really struggled, he refused to let me give in. I'll never forget the night, with both his hands, he grabbed my lips, looked me straight in the eyes and said "this is important." He was right and God had given me a man that understood. God is so good.

I wish I could say the lack of a kiss made my attempt at sexual purity easier- yeah right - in a way it made it whole lot harder. I am no where near sexual purity. But no matter how I struggled, no matter how Timmy and I struggled, we clung to that kiss and to the promise that it would all be worth it.

And it was. It was so worth it.

Do you know that E-Harmony commercial that says "Imagine a first kiss with the passion of a lifetime behind it"? I got all choked up the first time I saw that commercial after the wedding. That's what I had - a first kiss with all the passion of a lifetime behind it. Since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of that kiss. And for many, many years, I cried out to God not understanding what was going on. But He understood and on March 11, I really understood. Those of you who were there may have noticed that I was pretty calm and in control during the wedding ceremony. That is until I heard those words I have been waiting to hear "Tim, you may now kiss your bride." Over the last several months, that decision, that promise between me and God had developed a real voice and that was voice was Patrick's. I needed to hear Patrick say it and then I would know it was right and that it was completely supported by God. And when Patrick said it, I broke down. 26 years was in that kiss. 16 years of daydreaming and wondering was in that kiss. And even more so, a promise of a lifetime to be shared was in that kiss.

And it was so worth it.

I'm not really sure why I am writing all of this. Probably because I like to talk :)

God is good. He knows what's going on. He knows me better than I know myself. And there is a song that Avalon sings, and in the past I found a lot of hope in that song. And it just came to mind while I was getting ready to close up this entry. Yes, God is good.

The Dreams I Dream for You

Chorus
The dreams I dream for you
Are deeper than the ones you're clinging to
More precious than the finest things you knew
And truer than the treasures you pursue
Let the old dreams die
Like stars that fade from view
Then take the cup I offer
And drink deeply of
The dreams I dream for you