I am an introvert, an extreme introvert. In college, I learned that being an introvert or extrovert is related to how you gain or lose energy. The question to ask is: at the end of a long day, how do you recharge? Do you want to grab a beer with some friends or stay home by yourself? 95% of the time the answer is I want you to leave me alone.

I've decided not to go to one of my family's memorial day picnics. Primarily because I am an introvert. The last couple of months my energy level has been super low. This week in particular is really low. So when faced with two picnic options: 30 people or 10 people. I picked 10 and I see them all the time, so there isn't small talk. In fact, I can take a nap on the couch and they wouldn't really care. But I am a little sad that I am the way that I am. That I can't muster up what I need to see my family. I feel a little bad that I told my family that I sometimes find these big gatherings emotionally and socially draining and now I wish I hadn't been so honest with them. But the truth is the truth and I thought it was better than just never responding to the invitation and never showing up at the picnic. I'm hoping that my energy level will improve quickly and I'll be able to make it to the next family picnic.

As the years continue to pass, the more I am convinced that I married the right man. I mean, I never had a doubt, but more and more I see how we fit together. True, I drive him crazy a lot of the time and sometimes he even drives me crazy. But I still believe God put us together for a reason, and I am grateful for the ongoing confirmation that I heard God correctly. I love how well God knows me and knows Timmy and I love how sometimes it feels like he knew all along that Tim Kaiser and Melissa Rolon would be a good match.

Hold up!

I just looked up the word "affection" in the dictionary and one of the "use this word in sentence" examples was "the prisoners crave affection and hence participate in sexual relationships." What? Is this really the best sentence you can come up with for "affection" ?

Alright, so I have an issue with network TV. They create these new shows. They air them and want us to watch them. So, I watch them and I watch a lot of them. And then they cancel them after a season or sometimes not even a full season. Chase, Off the Map, No Ordinary Family, The Cape, Law & Order: LA, The Event. All killed in their first season and all I can hope for is the producers of the individual shows were given enough notice so that I can have a little bit of closer. (Thank you, Jerry Bruckheimer, for Chase's closure.) This makes me not want to watch new shows. Why bother getting into a show if the chances are very good it will be cancelled? I feel like the jaded woman who doesn't want to give love another try because she's had her heart broken too often.

I was at a prayer meeting last night. Not at all having to do with some people predicting today is Judgment Day and the beginning of the end. The opposite actually. We got together to seek God regarding BRV's future and the plans we're making. We wanted to come together to ask him for his leading and wisdom. As I sat there with my friends, leaders, and partners, I had this thought - even if Judgment Day were today, even if the rapture did happen and we all were gone in an instant, I think God was pleased with our meeting. I think he would want us seeking him and working for his kingdom until the very end. I think he would always want us moving forward. Cloud-watching (or earthquake watching) not good.

BRV is going to change this weekend. The change is already happening but it's going public this weekend. It's exciting; I'm looking forward to it. But there is something a little ... I'm not sure what the word is. I just know that next year, my church will look different, very different.

This afternoon we got one of those "This is not a bill" statements from our insurance company. It's just an explanation of benefits during a recent visit to a doctor. In my case, I had a couple of doctor visits and a series of tests done and we racked up a non-bill of $37,000. Good golly! Good thing that wasn't a real bill. Thankfully, I only had three $10 copays. Thirty bucks - I can handle $30. I'm grateful that Timmy works and provides our family with health insurance. I'm grateful that he works for a hospital and it's good insurance. Perhaps others would say it isn't good insurance, but all I know is that if I'm ever sick or think somethings not right or fall and break my shoulder, I go to Crozer and they take care of me and I get a "This is not a bill" statement instead of a "you owe me forty grand" statement.

You know the saying - it's the thought that counts. It's true.

This afternoon Timmy told me that this morning during his drive from work, he tried to win me tickets to a preview of the new tv show Franklin and Bash. Why? Because its star Mark-Paul Gosselaar would be at the event and Timmy knows how special MP is to me. Dito. My husband is the sweetest.

Oh I forgot a funny story from this week. I was driving in Media, windows down, music blaring. Not unusual for me. Then I laughed when I realized what was blaring: Redneck Woman, Gretchen Wilson. I thought of this brown girl driving in this white town and that song really, really loud. I shook my head at myself. Then I remembered Timmy telling me about the time he and Billy were at a red light blaring that same song and singing along. That was probably an even more ridiculous sight :)

I have weird taste in music. At least, I think so or rather, I've been told. I'm not sure I'm weird so much as varied. Usually when I listen to the my iPod, I decide what genre I'm in the mood for and then shuffle within that genre. But today, I did something I never do - I just shuffled through my entire song collection. The first ten songs that came through made me laugh.

Let's Get Married - Jagged Edge ft Run DMC

You Are Not Alone - Michael Jackson

It's Not Unusual - Tom Jones

I Hear Your Call - Rod Snyder

Martyr & Thieves - Jennifer Knapp

White Boys - from Hair

Esta Cobardia - Frankie Ruiz

Don't Let Me Lonely Tonight - James Taylor

83 - John Mayer

Lean On Me - Bill Withers

I feel this thing in my chest. It's big and heavy and kind of makes it hard to breath. I want to cry it out but I can't.

This morning I read some news that made me sad. It was one of those moments when I had to close my eyes and sigh deeply. Then tonight, I read some more news that...well, at first it left me feeling completely shocked and then it felt like a broken heart and now it's hard to breathe.

I feel so sad. I feel like we're settling too much. We're settling for less than what God wants for us because it's hard to follow God completely. But if we keep settling than what's left: a Gospel that's not really good news, a God who's tame. I don't want to settle. I know I may look or feel foolish going for it or it may be hard and I may want to give up but I don't want to settle.

God help me to fight hard for you. I want to be like you. Your forgiveness knows no limit. Your patience infinite. Thank you for treating us better than we treat you or treat each other. Please teach us. Teach me.