I have a friend going through boy drama. I wish the drama could just be drama but when it comes to boys it also means heartache. I remember it well. Jeremy and I had drama. I had heartache. We both had confusion, lots and lots of confusion.

The summary of our story? I loved him. I loved him as much as he would let me love him. He was truly my best friend and what girl wouldn't believe that in the end she would marry her best friend. I can look back and say...Jeremy loved me. He loved me as best as he could. I was truly his best friend. I think he knew I was the logical choice but there was something missing and he didn't know what. So, we played this game of "are we/aren't we, will we/won't we" and we played this game for six years. Everyone was sure we would get married but by the end, even I had my doubts. Then around six years into our friendship, things started to change and he wasn't my everything anymore.

About a year later, I met another boy. With this boy, I have never experienced drama. I never had that deep heartache or painful confusion. Timmy knew what he wanted and decided very early on that I was it. To this day, he continues to choose me, even when I make it a little difficult for him.

In case you're wondering: Jeremy got married last year. Timmy and I went to the wedding and my heart was filled with joy. Jeremy and I don't talk as much as I would like. But whenever we do, it's such an easy conversation. It feels completely normal. It's like we've kept all the good from those six years and let go of all the drama. And after every conversation with Jeremy, I do two things: I thank God for taking such good care of me and Jeremy and I give Timmy a big hug and a kiss.

You know, I did marry my best friend in the end :)

I had a great trip to Chicago. I believe I really heard from God. Now comes the hard part - following through with the decisions I made. Thankfully, everything that happened and that I believe God told me I shared with the ladies who went with me. And I have given them clear instructions to help hold me accountable.

A few thoughts on the conference:

1. The Vineyard is my tribe. I knew this already but it's still worth saying.

2. These events are so much better when you have people with which to share it. And not just someone to go with but someone who will share the experience with you, pray with you, help sort through what you believe you're hearing, and help hold you to your decisions later.

3. There's nothing quite like a friend who really, truly knows you. God put his finger on a tender spot while I was away. Even though I was with some fabulous women who I got to know well, I had to call home and talk to someone who really knew me without having to go through explanations. I am so grateful for her.

There are other random thoughts, but I need to head out to the gym because...

4. I am becoming that person. I missed the gym. I missed my regular eating schedule.

I'm leaving for the airport in about 20 minutes. I'll be in Chicago for a few days for the first ever Vineyard National Women's Conference. I'm excited for the event. I'm excited to spend a few days with three of the coolest ladies of BRV. I'm excited for God to speak to us.

I am not so excited about being away from my husband. Right now, as I type, I'm mainly doing this to keep myself occupied. If I sit still too long, I'll start crying. I already know I'll cry on the car ride to the airport and when I say goodbye, but I'm trying to keep it off a little longer.

My husband thinks it's ridiculous how upset I can get when I think of leaving him, but you know what I can't help thinking...some day when our time together on this earth is over, I will probably do anything to have just one more day with him and this weekend I'm giving up four days. This is how my brain thinks. This is how my heart feels.

But I understand it's a little crazy, which is why, despite the thought and the feelings, I don't let it prevent me from taking these kinds of trips. I believe this trip will be good for me, for my spirit. I am hoping God speaks to me about very big things. And no matter how I feel, God always trumps Timmy. Thankfully, God is totally into how into Timmy I am :)

I didn't sleep well last night. On Thursday, I'm flying to Chicago for a few days. I'm really excited about the trip itself. I just tend to get a little anxious when I'm going away without Timmy. He worked last night, so I was in bed, alone with my thoughts. Before I knew it, I was imagining life without him and I was crying. Then, once the thoughts and the headache were there, it was so hard to shake it off. The last time I looked at the time it was 2:30. I turned off the lights at 1am. Thankfully, I still managed to get up early so that I can go to the gym. Hopefully, this means that I will asleep easily tonight.