I have a friend going through boy drama. I wish the drama could just be drama but when it comes to boys it also means heartache. I remember it well. Jeremy and I had drama. I had heartache. We both had confusion, lots and lots of confusion.

The summary of our story? I loved him. I loved him as much as he would let me love him. He was truly my best friend and what girl wouldn't believe that in the end she would marry her best friend. I can look back and say...Jeremy loved me. He loved me as best as he could. I was truly his best friend. I think he knew I was the logical choice but there was something missing and he didn't know what. So, we played this game of "are we/aren't we, will we/won't we" and we played this game for six years. Everyone was sure we would get married but by the end, even I had my doubts. Then around six years into our friendship, things started to change and he wasn't my everything anymore.

About a year later, I met another boy. With this boy, I have never experienced drama. I never had that deep heartache or painful confusion. Timmy knew what he wanted and decided very early on that I was it. To this day, he continues to choose me, even when I make it a little difficult for him.

In case you're wondering: Jeremy got married last year. Timmy and I went to the wedding and my heart was filled with joy. Jeremy and I don't talk as much as I would like. But whenever we do, it's such an easy conversation. It feels completely normal. It's like we've kept all the good from those six years and let go of all the drama. And after every conversation with Jeremy, I do two things: I thank God for taking such good care of me and Jeremy and I give Timmy a big hug and a kiss.

You know, I did marry my best friend in the end :)

I had a great trip to Chicago. I believe I really heard from God. Now comes the hard part - following through with the decisions I made. Thankfully, everything that happened and that I believe God told me I shared with the ladies who went with me. And I have given them clear instructions to help hold me accountable.

A few thoughts on the conference:

1. The Vineyard is my tribe. I knew this already but it's still worth saying.

2. These events are so much better when you have people with which to share it. And not just someone to go with but someone who will share the experience with you, pray with you, help sort through what you believe you're hearing, and help hold you to your decisions later.

3. There's nothing quite like a friend who really, truly knows you. God put his finger on a tender spot while I was away. Even though I was with some fabulous women who I got to know well, I had to call home and talk to someone who really knew me without having to go through explanations. I am so grateful for her.

There are other random thoughts, but I need to head out to the gym because...

4. I am becoming that person. I missed the gym. I missed my regular eating schedule.

I'm leaving for the airport in about 20 minutes. I'll be in Chicago for a few days for the first ever Vineyard National Women's Conference. I'm excited for the event. I'm excited to spend a few days with three of the coolest ladies of BRV. I'm excited for God to speak to us.

I am not so excited about being away from my husband. Right now, as I type, I'm mainly doing this to keep myself occupied. If I sit still too long, I'll start crying. I already know I'll cry on the car ride to the airport and when I say goodbye, but I'm trying to keep it off a little longer.

My husband thinks it's ridiculous how upset I can get when I think of leaving him, but you know what I can't help thinking...some day when our time together on this earth is over, I will probably do anything to have just one more day with him and this weekend I'm giving up four days. This is how my brain thinks. This is how my heart feels.

But I understand it's a little crazy, which is why, despite the thought and the feelings, I don't let it prevent me from taking these kinds of trips. I believe this trip will be good for me, for my spirit. I am hoping God speaks to me about very big things. And no matter how I feel, God always trumps Timmy. Thankfully, God is totally into how into Timmy I am :)

I didn't sleep well last night. On Thursday, I'm flying to Chicago for a few days. I'm really excited about the trip itself. I just tend to get a little anxious when I'm going away without Timmy. He worked last night, so I was in bed, alone with my thoughts. Before I knew it, I was imagining life without him and I was crying. Then, once the thoughts and the headache were there, it was so hard to shake it off. The last time I looked at the time it was 2:30. I turned off the lights at 1am. Thankfully, I still managed to get up early so that I can go to the gym. Hopefully, this means that I will asleep easily tonight.

5 pounds and I'm feeling good.

9lbs in the first five weeks. 5lbs in the second four weeks. I seriously cannot complain especially when you keep in mind a few things:

1 - I did really poorly with my diet especially at my weekly small group when there is an assortment of wonderful food.

2 - I had to modify my cardio because of an unstable ankle and knee.

3 - I definitely put a lot of attention into strength training and I'm developing muscles to show for it.

4 - I'm two months into a change in my lifestyle. Who knows how my body and my metabolism are adjusting to these changes.

So, two months into my three month challenge and I am one pound from my Stage One goal - not bad :)

Last chance workout today.

When I started my summer of healthy living, I decided it would be better if I just weighed myself once a month. Any more than that and I might drive myself crazy. So, I weighed myself on June 30 and in those first five weeks, I lost 9 pounds. I was really proud of myself. Now, it's July 31. I'm getting ready to head over to the gym for one last workout before I weigh in.

I'm nervous. This month was hard. Since I upped my workout, I decided to up my calorie intake by a little. However, I also started experiencing pains: chest was sore so it was hard to breath, my left ankle hurt and so did my right knee. Because of those little "injuries" and an attempt to prevent a real injury, I didn't go as hard on my workouts as I wanted. However, I didn't adjust my calorie intake for my lesser workouts. In fact, I ate even more this month. That's what happens when you have a very social month. Lots of hanging out with friends means lots of food.

So, I'm nervous. I keep telling myself that my original goal was 3-5 pounds a month for the first three months because I wanted to lose 15 pounds this summer. This goal is still easily attainable. It's just that beautiful, special 9 pound month spoiled me.

My pep talk: Take it easy, Melissa. You are doing great. Steady is the key here. Making life changes is the key here. Remember the number doesn't matter as much, so long as you are seeing changes in your body. And you are!

I've been missing a pair a jeans for a while. I wasn't sure what happened to them. I haven't worn them since before my Kaiser family vacation in early June. Well, I found them. Turns out they were exactly where they were supposed to be. I just didn't look carefully. And today, I put them out. I was literally jumping up and down with excitement and high-fiving and hugging Timmy. You see, I've been working out and trying to eat better. I've been really committed to getting healthy and losing some weight. I don't necessarily see the change day to day. I see little things here and there. I hear what my family and friends tell me. But not wearing one of my favorite jeans for almost two months and then putting them on definitely helped me see. And it was so stinkin' exciting!!

When I killed my mac mini earlier this year, I was preoccupied with one thing - save my music! And we did. But I just realized what else was on there that wasn't saved....all my IM conversations with Timmy when we first started dating. Included in that was the IM conversation that lead to the realization that this guy was "the one." I was remembering that night and that conversation. I was remembering how I was pacing around my room, saying to myself "no way! really? he's it. oh my goodness." Then I remembered how I wanted to scrapbook that conversation and that it was saved on....oh, wait! It was saved on the computer that I killed earlier this year. So sad :(

Healthy spirit. Healthy mind. Healthy body.

This is what I feel like God really wants from me. He wants me to be healthy. I believe he's calling me to stay focused mentally and not allow my thoughts to stray. I believe he's calling me to care for my body with good, sensible diet and exercise. I believe he's calling me to stay better connected to him and allow him to be the source of my mental and physical health.

Managing all three is difficult. It feels like you're juggling. The last few weeks have been pretty easy. I'm super motivated and excited. This week was a little harder and once it starts getting a little harder then I become less excited, which means less motivated, which means less disciplined and then it's even harder and the cycle continues.

I just want to keep going strong. My body is happy with me. My mind is happy with me. My spirit is happy with me. This healthy me is the me I want to be. I just need God to help me keep going.

This weekend was my crazy adventure: pushing a dead car off the highway; a five minute, $30 cab ride to a scary gas station where men were screaming and cursing and I was sure a gun would come out at any moment; an impromptu trip to EWR involving a shuttle and the AirTrain; $250 for a 24 hour, one way car rental; a 30 minute trip trying to cross the street; a no-show tow truck driver; $60 to prevent the car from being towed by the hotel. But at least the concert was awesome and the company was the best :)

I had many thoughts this weekend but two continue to stick with me.

First, I am very grateful for God's provision. Not the miraculous, supernatural provision in an emergency. I mean the day to day ways in which he always takes care of us like providing Timmy and I with jobs and the ability to save and providing us with AAA through Mary's generosity and mothering heart. This weekend was an inconvenience but it wasn't super stressful for me because I knew I had money in savings to get me back home and we had AAA to get the car back to Philadelphia. And I fully acknowledge that all of it is God's provision.

Second, I'm an adult. I very seldomly feel like an adult. It's my theory that I won't feel like one until I have a child. But then I have one of those days when I walk right into the Newark International Airport and no one questions me and I hand the Hertz lady a drivers license and credit card and she gives me a Kia Optima. I'm not a kid. I am 31 and people, for the most part, automatically trust me. Weird.

I'm committed to a summer of getting healthier. I've wanted to do it for a while but health issues have kicked me in the rear. I'm on week three of my diet and I'm learning that I need to know my options. When my husband and I are on the road and we stop at a fast food joint, I need to know what I can actually eat there. So, tonight I visited the websites of the fast food places I most frequent and I looked up the calorie counts to my go-to items. Here they are:

Arby’s

Regular roast beef 360

Small curly fries 450

McDonald’s

McChicken 360

Small fries 230

6 nuggets 280

10 nuggets 470

Chick-Fil- A

Chicken sandwich 430

8 nuggets 260

Medium fruit cup 70

Small fruit cup 50

Small waffle fries 27

Regular Lemonade 170

Diet Lemonade 15

Wendy’s

10 nuggets 450

Value fries 230

Small chili 210

JR Vanilla Frosty 180

Pizza Hut

6” cheese 590

6 “ pepperoni 610

one breadstick 140

marinara (3oz) 60

2 pieces / garlic parm boneless wing 260

Wawa

Chicken parm sandwich 570

Turkey on regular shorti 450

Turkey on wheat shorti 490

Italian on regular shorti 530

Things I learned:

1. I love bread but bread will be the hard for maintaining a low calorie meal.

2. Bye bye Pizza Hut. I've loved knowing you. I will especially miss you, my dear garlic parmesan boneless nuggets.

3. Chick-Fil-A can stay in the game: nuggets, fruit cup, and diet lemonade aren't terrible. Thank you!

4. Oh, french fries, I don't know what I'm going to do about you.

5. Is a wheat roll really more calories than a regular roll??

I've got pride issues.

I'm kinda depressed because I just spent the last hour looking up high school and college acquaintances. Then I ask myself, "what have done with my life?" Which is total crap because I really love my life. It's just in nights like this that my pride issue becomes really obvious to me.

I am an introvert, an extreme introvert. In college, I learned that being an introvert or extrovert is related to how you gain or lose energy. The question to ask is: at the end of a long day, how do you recharge? Do you want to grab a beer with some friends or stay home by yourself? 95% of the time the answer is I want you to leave me alone.

I've decided not to go to one of my family's memorial day picnics. Primarily because I am an introvert. The last couple of months my energy level has been super low. This week in particular is really low. So when faced with two picnic options: 30 people or 10 people. I picked 10 and I see them all the time, so there isn't small talk. In fact, I can take a nap on the couch and they wouldn't really care. But I am a little sad that I am the way that I am. That I can't muster up what I need to see my family. I feel a little bad that I told my family that I sometimes find these big gatherings emotionally and socially draining and now I wish I hadn't been so honest with them. But the truth is the truth and I thought it was better than just never responding to the invitation and never showing up at the picnic. I'm hoping that my energy level will improve quickly and I'll be able to make it to the next family picnic.

As the years continue to pass, the more I am convinced that I married the right man. I mean, I never had a doubt, but more and more I see how we fit together. True, I drive him crazy a lot of the time and sometimes he even drives me crazy. But I still believe God put us together for a reason, and I am grateful for the ongoing confirmation that I heard God correctly. I love how well God knows me and knows Timmy and I love how sometimes it feels like he knew all along that Tim Kaiser and Melissa Rolon would be a good match.

Hold up!

I just looked up the word "affection" in the dictionary and one of the "use this word in sentence" examples was "the prisoners crave affection and hence participate in sexual relationships." What? Is this really the best sentence you can come up with for "affection" ?

Alright, so I have an issue with network TV. They create these new shows. They air them and want us to watch them. So, I watch them and I watch a lot of them. And then they cancel them after a season or sometimes not even a full season. Chase, Off the Map, No Ordinary Family, The Cape, Law & Order: LA, The Event. All killed in their first season and all I can hope for is the producers of the individual shows were given enough notice so that I can have a little bit of closer. (Thank you, Jerry Bruckheimer, for Chase's closure.) This makes me not want to watch new shows. Why bother getting into a show if the chances are very good it will be cancelled? I feel like the jaded woman who doesn't want to give love another try because she's had her heart broken too often.

I was at a prayer meeting last night. Not at all having to do with some people predicting today is Judgment Day and the beginning of the end. The opposite actually. We got together to seek God regarding BRV's future and the plans we're making. We wanted to come together to ask him for his leading and wisdom. As I sat there with my friends, leaders, and partners, I had this thought - even if Judgment Day were today, even if the rapture did happen and we all were gone in an instant, I think God was pleased with our meeting. I think he would want us seeking him and working for his kingdom until the very end. I think he would always want us moving forward. Cloud-watching (or earthquake watching) not good.

BRV is going to change this weekend. The change is already happening but it's going public this weekend. It's exciting; I'm looking forward to it. But there is something a little ... I'm not sure what the word is. I just know that next year, my church will look different, very different.

This afternoon we got one of those "This is not a bill" statements from our insurance company. It's just an explanation of benefits during a recent visit to a doctor. In my case, I had a couple of doctor visits and a series of tests done and we racked up a non-bill of $37,000. Good golly! Good thing that wasn't a real bill. Thankfully, I only had three $10 copays. Thirty bucks - I can handle $30. I'm grateful that Timmy works and provides our family with health insurance. I'm grateful that he works for a hospital and it's good insurance. Perhaps others would say it isn't good insurance, but all I know is that if I'm ever sick or think somethings not right or fall and break my shoulder, I go to Crozer and they take care of me and I get a "This is not a bill" statement instead of a "you owe me forty grand" statement.

You know the saying - it's the thought that counts. It's true.

This afternoon Timmy told me that this morning during his drive from work, he tried to win me tickets to a preview of the new tv show Franklin and Bash. Why? Because its star Mark-Paul Gosselaar would be at the event and Timmy knows how special MP is to me. Dito. My husband is the sweetest.