BRV is going to change this weekend. The change is already happening but it's going public this weekend. It's exciting; I'm looking forward to it. But there is something a little ... I'm not sure what the word is. I just know that next year, my church will look different, very different.

This afternoon we got one of those "This is not a bill" statements from our insurance company. It's just an explanation of benefits during a recent visit to a doctor. In my case, I had a couple of doctor visits and a series of tests done and we racked up a non-bill of $37,000. Good golly! Good thing that wasn't a real bill. Thankfully, I only had three $10 copays. Thirty bucks - I can handle $30. I'm grateful that Timmy works and provides our family with health insurance. I'm grateful that he works for a hospital and it's good insurance. Perhaps others would say it isn't good insurance, but all I know is that if I'm ever sick or think somethings not right or fall and break my shoulder, I go to Crozer and they take care of me and I get a "This is not a bill" statement instead of a "you owe me forty grand" statement.

You know the saying - it's the thought that counts. It's true.

This afternoon Timmy told me that this morning during his drive from work, he tried to win me tickets to a preview of the new tv show Franklin and Bash. Why? Because its star Mark-Paul Gosselaar would be at the event and Timmy knows how special MP is to me. Dito. My husband is the sweetest.

Oh I forgot a funny story from this week. I was driving in Media, windows down, music blaring. Not unusual for me. Then I laughed when I realized what was blaring: Redneck Woman, Gretchen Wilson. I thought of this brown girl driving in this white town and that song really, really loud. I shook my head at myself. Then I remembered Timmy telling me about the time he and Billy were at a red light blaring that same song and singing along. That was probably an even more ridiculous sight :)

I have weird taste in music. At least, I think so or rather, I've been told. I'm not sure I'm weird so much as varied. Usually when I listen to the my iPod, I decide what genre I'm in the mood for and then shuffle within that genre. But today, I did something I never do - I just shuffled through my entire song collection. The first ten songs that came through made me laugh.

Let's Get Married - Jagged Edge ft Run DMC

You Are Not Alone - Michael Jackson

It's Not Unusual - Tom Jones

I Hear Your Call - Rod Snyder

Martyr & Thieves - Jennifer Knapp

White Boys - from Hair

Esta Cobardia - Frankie Ruiz

Don't Let Me Lonely Tonight - James Taylor

83 - John Mayer

Lean On Me - Bill Withers

I feel this thing in my chest. It's big and heavy and kind of makes it hard to breath. I want to cry it out but I can't.

This morning I read some news that made me sad. It was one of those moments when I had to close my eyes and sigh deeply. Then tonight, I read some more news that...well, at first it left me feeling completely shocked and then it felt like a broken heart and now it's hard to breathe.

I feel so sad. I feel like we're settling too much. We're settling for less than what God wants for us because it's hard to follow God completely. But if we keep settling than what's left: a Gospel that's not really good news, a God who's tame. I don't want to settle. I know I may look or feel foolish going for it or it may be hard and I may want to give up but I don't want to settle.

God help me to fight hard for you. I want to be like you. Your forgiveness knows no limit. Your patience infinite. Thank you for treating us better than we treat you or treat each other. Please teach us. Teach me.

700 people? How does that even happen? This Easter weekend, the church's attendance record of 563 was obliterated by 700 friends and guests. At our staff meeting earlier this week, we went around the table and made our predictions: 535. 550. 575. 600! 600 was dreaming big. Wow, really, could we reach 600 this weekend when we just reached 500 for the first time earlier this year? When I received the text that said 700, I asked if it were a typo. Wow. Incredible. I sent our senior pastor a text and joked "we should start another church." It was a joke because we are actively praying about a new site to launch in the fall. His response to my text, "why didn't I think of that" :) 700. Amazing.

Christ is Risen!

It's Good Friday and as part of our Leap of Faith season, I just read Luke 22:47-23:25 - the arrest and trial against Jesus. Of all that is said in those few sections, one verse especially stood out to me.

"But this is your hour - when darkness reigns." Luke 22:53

I think Jesus is being quite literal in this passage. He starts by saying that the charges against him are for things he has done and said in the middle of the day for anyone and everyone to hear. He has not been secretive in any way. Yet, now, when the priests and the soldiers come to arrest Jesus, they do it when it's dark and there isn't a crowd. Jesus, while committing his alleged crimes, had nothing to hide. Yet, the leaders, who were seeking holy justice, hid under the dark of night.

Particularly what struck me with this verse was the attitude I heard in my own voice when I read it. This is your hour, Satan. This is your moment when your darkness will reign most. This is it. This night is the high point for Satan when he thinks he has done it - defeated God. His darkness reigns! But he's wrong. When I read this verse, it sounds like this, "Enjoy it. This is your one moment. Enjoy it while it lasts because we (Jesus and the Father) are not done." That's what I hear when I read "But this is your hour - when darkness reigns."

It's Friday, but Sunday's coming.

"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfil? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

One Week

I'm not sure. I'm not sure if anyone can ever really answer that outside of being in the situation. But I think I would talk a lot. I already talk a lot but I think I would talk a lot more. I would want to tell those dearest to me just how much I loved them and I would want to encourage them and challenge them. I would thank my friends and family for loving me because I am deeply loved. I wouldn't want to go somewhere exotic or see a band or fulfill a crazy dream. I'd want to stay right here in southeastern PA because I love home. And I'd want Timmy to never leave my side. And I'd want to worship Jesus with a new perspective and a new hope.

What book would I write? I've always wanted to write my story. That's part of the reason I journal but really 90% of my journals wouldn't make sense to anyone other than me. But I've always wanted to write my story but when I start, I get bogged down with sentence structure and word choice. I get overwhelmed with how important my stories are to me that they never make it to text. Lately, I keep taking notice of those new programs where you speak and it turns it to an electronic document. I watch those commercials and think "I could speak my stories and then edit them. That's probably easier than starting from scratch." I want to do that. There's no reason not to. Why not buy this software or ask for it for Christmas and do something I've always wanted to do? I want my story to last longer than me.

Wow. I just discovered Turkey Hill's Peanut Butter Pie Frozen Yogurt: peanut butter frozen yogurt with peanut butter cup pieces and a graham crust swirl. I didn't think I would like the graham crust swirl but it was amazing!!

14 years ago, I had this profound experience with God, and I knew I would never be the same. Thank you, Jesus, for knowing my need when I didn't, saving me when I couldn't, and fighting for me when I wouldn't.

I don't think it's a coincidence that I seem to reconnect with God right when I am facing a personal crisis. It's like he knows that I couldn't handle it on my own.

Last night I had a dream that the church got over $60,000 in cash. But the dream quickly turned bad when every time I counted the money, it came to a different total. I'm not sure how many times I counted that money in my dream. Yeah, that's my job seeping into my rest time.

The headline read Would Jesus believe in evolution?. It made me laugh at first. Not the idea of Jesus believing in evolution but that Jesus would believe. In believing, you're saying "I accept this as true" or "I feel sure that this is true". But there is a still a possibility of being wrong. You will never hear me say "I believe that I am a girl." No, I AM a girl. No doubt.

So, originally, I laughed at the idea that Jesus would believe in anything since he is God and I laughed at the idea that he believed in evolution because he was at the beginning and knows exactly what went down. But then comes all of the theological questions and ideas about Jesus' omniscience. Did Jesus actually know everything when he was earth? Or did he relinquish some of that power so that he could be more like his fellow humans when he walked on this earth? Hmm, interesting.

On a side note to this blog entry: I thought the article was pretty lame.

Being a girl can be hard, but one thing I love about being a girl is having girlfriends. I love my husband. He is incredibly satisfying but there is a part of me that can only be tended by my girls.

I once heard a sermon where the pastor said that your spouse is God's perfect provision for you. I think that's beautiful and worth remembering for the rest of my life. Today, when I felt scared and vulnerable, Timmy gave me what I needed because he lets God provide for me through him.

Dissatisfied with the adjective "great" in my blog subheading. One adjective that encompasses my husband and all that he means to me. "Great" seems so...blah.

I regularly have what Timmy calls "freak outs". A lot of stuff happens to me in that blurry space between sleep and reality. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming or gasping for air. Sometimes I don't even wake up from it. I don't remember it in the morning until Timmy tells me about it. It happens regularly enough that it doesn't freak Timmy out any more. He just rolls over and tells me to go back to sleep. Well, last night, Timmy wasn't there but I remember on my own.

I dreamt I was being attacked. I think it was by an animal and I was screaming for help. My arms were flailing trying to protect myself from this animal but it kept attacking me. I finally woke up to realize I must have been screaming in the real world because my dog was awake and excited and I was hitting her with my flailing arms. Hers was the fur from the animal I felt in my dream. Oops. Sorry, JJ honey. I didn't mean to freak out on you. Mi malo.

I've decided to take over this blog. Technically, it belongs to me and Timmy. While he is still a contributor and is welcome to make a post whenever he wants, he won't be because he created a new one. So, I'm taking over. Just me.

Feeling kind of weepy these days. Weepy in a good way. That I might cry at any moment but if I did, it doesn't mean it's bad.

Reading Luke tonight. One line read "As they (Jesus and his disciples) sailed, he (Jesus) fell asleep." My eyes started to well up. So human. I would do that.