In May I put a plan in place: to get healthy and to lose the weight that's been both physically and emotionally bogging me down. So my long term goal was to lose 25-30 lbs by the end of 2011. I broke that plan down into two phases. Phase One was the summer: June, July, and August. The goal was 3-5 lbs per month with an end goal of 10-15lbs. I would use a Slimfast diet for the three months and exercise regularly. Phase Two would be to finish off the remainder of the 25-30 lbs and go back to all regular foods.

I am very proud to say that Phase One is complete. Not only did I make it through Phase One but it was a huge success. During these three summer months, I have lost a total of 18 lbs. I feel great. I look good. I'm proud of myself and I'm hopeful that weight doesn't have to control me.

Some fun highlights of the last three months:

1 - that first weigh in where I learned that I lost 9 lbs the first month - I'm doing it!

2 - when I first ran on the treadmill for 20 minutes for two days in a row, which meant it wasn't a one time fluke - I'm becoming a runner!

3 - when I found a pair of pants that had been missing for two months. When I put them on, I realized just how much my body was changing - it was awesome!

4 - when Timmy walked into the room while I was changing and his eyes twinkled a little differently - he likes the changes he's seeing!

5 - when I realized that I have tightened my belt loop to the last possible opening - new belt soon!

6 - when I wore Timmy's "wifebeater" to the park. I won't lie - I looked hot!

7 - when on my way from the park, Timmy dropped me off a mile from the house, so that I could run home. Even though, I wanted to die, I made it!

8 - when I comfortably wore a pair of jeans that have been sitting in storage for a year - woo hoo!

9 - when I ran my first 10 minute mile. man it hurt the next day, but it was totally worth it!

It's been a lot of work and it's been very all consuming. But it's totally worth it. I really do feel great. I can sprint Jessie up the stairs and I don't huff and puff. When I wake up the morning and first walk down the stairs, my knees don't hurt. I feel confident working out at the gym in front of guys. I'm starting to feel sexy again.

Phase Two started yesterday. I have four months to lose the last 12 lbs because I have decided that I want to lose the 30 and not the just the 25. Even though, I have until the end of the year, I would like to work toward losing my weight before Thanksgiving. I think it's going to be hard enough to not gain weight with the holidays much less to try to lose weight. I'm also back to regular foods. I'll probably still drink Slimfast on occasion but I know it's important to eat real food and I've missed it.

This fall I especially want to focus on my core. That's where most of my weight lingers. That's where I feel most self-conscious. That's where extra weight is most dangerous. I'll let you know how it goes.

I have a friend going through boy drama. I wish the drama could just be drama but when it comes to boys it also means heartache. I remember it well. Jeremy and I had drama. I had heartache. We both had confusion, lots and lots of confusion.

The summary of our story? I loved him. I loved him as much as he would let me love him. He was truly my best friend and what girl wouldn't believe that in the end she would marry her best friend. I can look back and say...Jeremy loved me. He loved me as best as he could. I was truly his best friend. I think he knew I was the logical choice but there was something missing and he didn't know what. So, we played this game of "are we/aren't we, will we/won't we" and we played this game for six years. Everyone was sure we would get married but by the end, even I had my doubts. Then around six years into our friendship, things started to change and he wasn't my everything anymore.

About a year later, I met another boy. With this boy, I have never experienced drama. I never had that deep heartache or painful confusion. Timmy knew what he wanted and decided very early on that I was it. To this day, he continues to choose me, even when I make it a little difficult for him.

In case you're wondering: Jeremy got married last year. Timmy and I went to the wedding and my heart was filled with joy. Jeremy and I don't talk as much as I would like. But whenever we do, it's such an easy conversation. It feels completely normal. It's like we've kept all the good from those six years and let go of all the drama. And after every conversation with Jeremy, I do two things: I thank God for taking such good care of me and Jeremy and I give Timmy a big hug and a kiss.

You know, I did marry my best friend in the end :)

I had a great trip to Chicago. I believe I really heard from God. Now comes the hard part - following through with the decisions I made. Thankfully, everything that happened and that I believe God told me I shared with the ladies who went with me. And I have given them clear instructions to help hold me accountable.

A few thoughts on the conference:

1. The Vineyard is my tribe. I knew this already but it's still worth saying.

2. These events are so much better when you have people with which to share it. And not just someone to go with but someone who will share the experience with you, pray with you, help sort through what you believe you're hearing, and help hold you to your decisions later.

3. There's nothing quite like a friend who really, truly knows you. God put his finger on a tender spot while I was away. Even though I was with some fabulous women who I got to know well, I had to call home and talk to someone who really knew me without having to go through explanations. I am so grateful for her.

There are other random thoughts, but I need to head out to the gym because...

4. I am becoming that person. I missed the gym. I missed my regular eating schedule.

I'm leaving for the airport in about 20 minutes. I'll be in Chicago for a few days for the first ever Vineyard National Women's Conference. I'm excited for the event. I'm excited to spend a few days with three of the coolest ladies of BRV. I'm excited for God to speak to us.

I am not so excited about being away from my husband. Right now, as I type, I'm mainly doing this to keep myself occupied. If I sit still too long, I'll start crying. I already know I'll cry on the car ride to the airport and when I say goodbye, but I'm trying to keep it off a little longer.

My husband thinks it's ridiculous how upset I can get when I think of leaving him, but you know what I can't help thinking...some day when our time together on this earth is over, I will probably do anything to have just one more day with him and this weekend I'm giving up four days. This is how my brain thinks. This is how my heart feels.

But I understand it's a little crazy, which is why, despite the thought and the feelings, I don't let it prevent me from taking these kinds of trips. I believe this trip will be good for me, for my spirit. I am hoping God speaks to me about very big things. And no matter how I feel, God always trumps Timmy. Thankfully, God is totally into how into Timmy I am :)

I didn't sleep well last night. On Thursday, I'm flying to Chicago for a few days. I'm really excited about the trip itself. I just tend to get a little anxious when I'm going away without Timmy. He worked last night, so I was in bed, alone with my thoughts. Before I knew it, I was imagining life without him and I was crying. Then, once the thoughts and the headache were there, it was so hard to shake it off. The last time I looked at the time it was 2:30. I turned off the lights at 1am. Thankfully, I still managed to get up early so that I can go to the gym. Hopefully, this means that I will asleep easily tonight.

5 pounds and I'm feeling good.

9lbs in the first five weeks. 5lbs in the second four weeks. I seriously cannot complain especially when you keep in mind a few things:

1 - I did really poorly with my diet especially at my weekly small group when there is an assortment of wonderful food.

2 - I had to modify my cardio because of an unstable ankle and knee.

3 - I definitely put a lot of attention into strength training and I'm developing muscles to show for it.

4 - I'm two months into a change in my lifestyle. Who knows how my body and my metabolism are adjusting to these changes.

So, two months into my three month challenge and I am one pound from my Stage One goal - not bad :)

Last chance workout today.

When I started my summer of healthy living, I decided it would be better if I just weighed myself once a month. Any more than that and I might drive myself crazy. So, I weighed myself on June 30 and in those first five weeks, I lost 9 pounds. I was really proud of myself. Now, it's July 31. I'm getting ready to head over to the gym for one last workout before I weigh in.

I'm nervous. This month was hard. Since I upped my workout, I decided to up my calorie intake by a little. However, I also started experiencing pains: chest was sore so it was hard to breath, my left ankle hurt and so did my right knee. Because of those little "injuries" and an attempt to prevent a real injury, I didn't go as hard on my workouts as I wanted. However, I didn't adjust my calorie intake for my lesser workouts. In fact, I ate even more this month. That's what happens when you have a very social month. Lots of hanging out with friends means lots of food.

So, I'm nervous. I keep telling myself that my original goal was 3-5 pounds a month for the first three months because I wanted to lose 15 pounds this summer. This goal is still easily attainable. It's just that beautiful, special 9 pound month spoiled me.

My pep talk: Take it easy, Melissa. You are doing great. Steady is the key here. Making life changes is the key here. Remember the number doesn't matter as much, so long as you are seeing changes in your body. And you are!

I've been missing a pair a jeans for a while. I wasn't sure what happened to them. I haven't worn them since before my Kaiser family vacation in early June. Well, I found them. Turns out they were exactly where they were supposed to be. I just didn't look carefully. And today, I put them out. I was literally jumping up and down with excitement and high-fiving and hugging Timmy. You see, I've been working out and trying to eat better. I've been really committed to getting healthy and losing some weight. I don't necessarily see the change day to day. I see little things here and there. I hear what my family and friends tell me. But not wearing one of my favorite jeans for almost two months and then putting them on definitely helped me see. And it was so stinkin' exciting!!

When I killed my mac mini earlier this year, I was preoccupied with one thing - save my music! And we did. But I just realized what else was on there that wasn't saved....all my IM conversations with Timmy when we first started dating. Included in that was the IM conversation that lead to the realization that this guy was "the one." I was remembering that night and that conversation. I was remembering how I was pacing around my room, saying to myself "no way! really? he's it. oh my goodness." Then I remembered how I wanted to scrapbook that conversation and that it was saved on....oh, wait! It was saved on the computer that I killed earlier this year. So sad :(

Healthy spirit. Healthy mind. Healthy body.

This is what I feel like God really wants from me. He wants me to be healthy. I believe he's calling me to stay focused mentally and not allow my thoughts to stray. I believe he's calling me to care for my body with good, sensible diet and exercise. I believe he's calling me to stay better connected to him and allow him to be the source of my mental and physical health.

Managing all three is difficult. It feels like you're juggling. The last few weeks have been pretty easy. I'm super motivated and excited. This week was a little harder and once it starts getting a little harder then I become less excited, which means less motivated, which means less disciplined and then it's even harder and the cycle continues.

I just want to keep going strong. My body is happy with me. My mind is happy with me. My spirit is happy with me. This healthy me is the me I want to be. I just need God to help me keep going.

This weekend was my crazy adventure: pushing a dead car off the highway; a five minute, $30 cab ride to a scary gas station where men were screaming and cursing and I was sure a gun would come out at any moment; an impromptu trip to EWR involving a shuttle and the AirTrain; $250 for a 24 hour, one way car rental; a 30 minute trip trying to cross the street; a no-show tow truck driver; $60 to prevent the car from being towed by the hotel. But at least the concert was awesome and the company was the best :)

I had many thoughts this weekend but two continue to stick with me.

First, I am very grateful for God's provision. Not the miraculous, supernatural provision in an emergency. I mean the day to day ways in which he always takes care of us like providing Timmy and I with jobs and the ability to save and providing us with AAA through Mary's generosity and mothering heart. This weekend was an inconvenience but it wasn't super stressful for me because I knew I had money in savings to get me back home and we had AAA to get the car back to Philadelphia. And I fully acknowledge that all of it is God's provision.

Second, I'm an adult. I very seldomly feel like an adult. It's my theory that I won't feel like one until I have a child. But then I have one of those days when I walk right into the Newark International Airport and no one questions me and I hand the Hertz lady a drivers license and credit card and she gives me a Kia Optima. I'm not a kid. I am 31 and people, for the most part, automatically trust me. Weird.

I'm committed to a summer of getting healthier. I've wanted to do it for a while but health issues have kicked me in the rear. I'm on week three of my diet and I'm learning that I need to know my options. When my husband and I are on the road and we stop at a fast food joint, I need to know what I can actually eat there. So, tonight I visited the websites of the fast food places I most frequent and I looked up the calorie counts to my go-to items. Here they are:

Arby’s

Regular roast beef 360

Small curly fries 450

McDonald’s

McChicken 360

Small fries 230

6 nuggets 280

10 nuggets 470

Chick-Fil- A

Chicken sandwich 430

8 nuggets 260

Medium fruit cup 70

Small fruit cup 50

Small waffle fries 27

Regular Lemonade 170

Diet Lemonade 15

Wendy’s

10 nuggets 450

Value fries 230

Small chili 210

JR Vanilla Frosty 180

Pizza Hut

6” cheese 590

6 “ pepperoni 610

one breadstick 140

marinara (3oz) 60

2 pieces / garlic parm boneless wing 260

Wawa

Chicken parm sandwich 570

Turkey on regular shorti 450

Turkey on wheat shorti 490

Italian on regular shorti 530

Things I learned:

1. I love bread but bread will be the hard for maintaining a low calorie meal.

2. Bye bye Pizza Hut. I've loved knowing you. I will especially miss you, my dear garlic parmesan boneless nuggets.

3. Chick-Fil-A can stay in the game: nuggets, fruit cup, and diet lemonade aren't terrible. Thank you!

4. Oh, french fries, I don't know what I'm going to do about you.

5. Is a wheat roll really more calories than a regular roll??

I've got pride issues.

I'm kinda depressed because I just spent the last hour looking up high school and college acquaintances. Then I ask myself, "what have done with my life?" Which is total crap because I really love my life. It's just in nights like this that my pride issue becomes really obvious to me.

I am an introvert, an extreme introvert. In college, I learned that being an introvert or extrovert is related to how you gain or lose energy. The question to ask is: at the end of a long day, how do you recharge? Do you want to grab a beer with some friends or stay home by yourself? 95% of the time the answer is I want you to leave me alone.

I've decided not to go to one of my family's memorial day picnics. Primarily because I am an introvert. The last couple of months my energy level has been super low. This week in particular is really low. So when faced with two picnic options: 30 people or 10 people. I picked 10 and I see them all the time, so there isn't small talk. In fact, I can take a nap on the couch and they wouldn't really care. But I am a little sad that I am the way that I am. That I can't muster up what I need to see my family. I feel a little bad that I told my family that I sometimes find these big gatherings emotionally and socially draining and now I wish I hadn't been so honest with them. But the truth is the truth and I thought it was better than just never responding to the invitation and never showing up at the picnic. I'm hoping that my energy level will improve quickly and I'll be able to make it to the next family picnic.

As the years continue to pass, the more I am convinced that I married the right man. I mean, I never had a doubt, but more and more I see how we fit together. True, I drive him crazy a lot of the time and sometimes he even drives me crazy. But I still believe God put us together for a reason, and I am grateful for the ongoing confirmation that I heard God correctly. I love how well God knows me and knows Timmy and I love how sometimes it feels like he knew all along that Tim Kaiser and Melissa Rolon would be a good match.

Hold up!

I just looked up the word "affection" in the dictionary and one of the "use this word in sentence" examples was "the prisoners crave affection and hence participate in sexual relationships." What? Is this really the best sentence you can come up with for "affection" ?

Alright, so I have an issue with network TV. They create these new shows. They air them and want us to watch them. So, I watch them and I watch a lot of them. And then they cancel them after a season or sometimes not even a full season. Chase, Off the Map, No Ordinary Family, The Cape, Law & Order: LA, The Event. All killed in their first season and all I can hope for is the producers of the individual shows were given enough notice so that I can have a little bit of closer. (Thank you, Jerry Bruckheimer, for Chase's closure.) This makes me not want to watch new shows. Why bother getting into a show if the chances are very good it will be cancelled? I feel like the jaded woman who doesn't want to give love another try because she's had her heart broken too often.

I was at a prayer meeting last night. Not at all having to do with some people predicting today is Judgment Day and the beginning of the end. The opposite actually. We got together to seek God regarding BRV's future and the plans we're making. We wanted to come together to ask him for his leading and wisdom. As I sat there with my friends, leaders, and partners, I had this thought - even if Judgment Day were today, even if the rapture did happen and we all were gone in an instant, I think God was pleased with our meeting. I think he would want us seeking him and working for his kingdom until the very end. I think he would always want us moving forward. Cloud-watching (or earthquake watching) not good.

BRV is going to change this weekend. The change is already happening but it's going public this weekend. It's exciting; I'm looking forward to it. But there is something a little ... I'm not sure what the word is. I just know that next year, my church will look different, very different.

This afternoon we got one of those "This is not a bill" statements from our insurance company. It's just an explanation of benefits during a recent visit to a doctor. In my case, I had a couple of doctor visits and a series of tests done and we racked up a non-bill of $37,000. Good golly! Good thing that wasn't a real bill. Thankfully, I only had three $10 copays. Thirty bucks - I can handle $30. I'm grateful that Timmy works and provides our family with health insurance. I'm grateful that he works for a hospital and it's good insurance. Perhaps others would say it isn't good insurance, but all I know is that if I'm ever sick or think somethings not right or fall and break my shoulder, I go to Crozer and they take care of me and I get a "This is not a bill" statement instead of a "you owe me forty grand" statement.

You know the saying - it's the thought that counts. It's true.

This afternoon Timmy told me that this morning during his drive from work, he tried to win me tickets to a preview of the new tv show Franklin and Bash. Why? Because its star Mark-Paul Gosselaar would be at the event and Timmy knows how special MP is to me. Dito. My husband is the sweetest.

Oh I forgot a funny story from this week. I was driving in Media, windows down, music blaring. Not unusual for me. Then I laughed when I realized what was blaring: Redneck Woman, Gretchen Wilson. I thought of this brown girl driving in this white town and that song really, really loud. I shook my head at myself. Then I remembered Timmy telling me about the time he and Billy were at a red light blaring that same song and singing along. That was probably an even more ridiculous sight :)

I have weird taste in music. At least, I think so or rather, I've been told. I'm not sure I'm weird so much as varied. Usually when I listen to the my iPod, I decide what genre I'm in the mood for and then shuffle within that genre. But today, I did something I never do - I just shuffled through my entire song collection. The first ten songs that came through made me laugh.

Let's Get Married - Jagged Edge ft Run DMC

You Are Not Alone - Michael Jackson

It's Not Unusual - Tom Jones

I Hear Your Call - Rod Snyder

Martyr & Thieves - Jennifer Knapp

White Boys - from Hair

Esta Cobardia - Frankie Ruiz

Don't Let Me Lonely Tonight - James Taylor

83 - John Mayer

Lean On Me - Bill Withers

I feel this thing in my chest. It's big and heavy and kind of makes it hard to breath. I want to cry it out but I can't.

This morning I read some news that made me sad. It was one of those moments when I had to close my eyes and sigh deeply. Then tonight, I read some more news that...well, at first it left me feeling completely shocked and then it felt like a broken heart and now it's hard to breathe.

I feel so sad. I feel like we're settling too much. We're settling for less than what God wants for us because it's hard to follow God completely. But if we keep settling than what's left: a Gospel that's not really good news, a God who's tame. I don't want to settle. I know I may look or feel foolish going for it or it may be hard and I may want to give up but I don't want to settle.

God help me to fight hard for you. I want to be like you. Your forgiveness knows no limit. Your patience infinite. Thank you for treating us better than we treat you or treat each other. Please teach us. Teach me.

700 people? How does that even happen? This Easter weekend, the church's attendance record of 563 was obliterated by 700 friends and guests. At our staff meeting earlier this week, we went around the table and made our predictions: 535. 550. 575. 600! 600 was dreaming big. Wow, really, could we reach 600 this weekend when we just reached 500 for the first time earlier this year? When I received the text that said 700, I asked if it were a typo. Wow. Incredible. I sent our senior pastor a text and joked "we should start another church." It was a joke because we are actively praying about a new site to launch in the fall. His response to my text, "why didn't I think of that" :) 700. Amazing.

Christ is Risen!

It's Good Friday and as part of our Leap of Faith season, I just read Luke 22:47-23:25 - the arrest and trial against Jesus. Of all that is said in those few sections, one verse especially stood out to me.

"But this is your hour - when darkness reigns." Luke 22:53

I think Jesus is being quite literal in this passage. He starts by saying that the charges against him are for things he has done and said in the middle of the day for anyone and everyone to hear. He has not been secretive in any way. Yet, now, when the priests and the soldiers come to arrest Jesus, they do it when it's dark and there isn't a crowd. Jesus, while committing his alleged crimes, had nothing to hide. Yet, the leaders, who were seeking holy justice, hid under the dark of night.

Particularly what struck me with this verse was the attitude I heard in my own voice when I read it. This is your hour, Satan. This is your moment when your darkness will reign most. This is it. This night is the high point for Satan when he thinks he has done it - defeated God. His darkness reigns! But he's wrong. When I read this verse, it sounds like this, "Enjoy it. This is your one moment. Enjoy it while it lasts because we (Jesus and the Father) are not done." That's what I hear when I read "But this is your hour - when darkness reigns."

It's Friday, but Sunday's coming.

"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfil? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

One Week

I'm not sure. I'm not sure if anyone can ever really answer that outside of being in the situation. But I think I would talk a lot. I already talk a lot but I think I would talk a lot more. I would want to tell those dearest to me just how much I loved them and I would want to encourage them and challenge them. I would thank my friends and family for loving me because I am deeply loved. I wouldn't want to go somewhere exotic or see a band or fulfill a crazy dream. I'd want to stay right here in southeastern PA because I love home. And I'd want Timmy to never leave my side. And I'd want to worship Jesus with a new perspective and a new hope.

What book would I write? I've always wanted to write my story. That's part of the reason I journal but really 90% of my journals wouldn't make sense to anyone other than me. But I've always wanted to write my story but when I start, I get bogged down with sentence structure and word choice. I get overwhelmed with how important my stories are to me that they never make it to text. Lately, I keep taking notice of those new programs where you speak and it turns it to an electronic document. I watch those commercials and think "I could speak my stories and then edit them. That's probably easier than starting from scratch." I want to do that. There's no reason not to. Why not buy this software or ask for it for Christmas and do something I've always wanted to do? I want my story to last longer than me.

Wow. I just discovered Turkey Hill's Peanut Butter Pie Frozen Yogurt: peanut butter frozen yogurt with peanut butter cup pieces and a graham crust swirl. I didn't think I would like the graham crust swirl but it was amazing!!

14 years ago, I had this profound experience with God, and I knew I would never be the same. Thank you, Jesus, for knowing my need when I didn't, saving me when I couldn't, and fighting for me when I wouldn't.

I don't think it's a coincidence that I seem to reconnect with God right when I am facing a personal crisis. It's like he knows that I couldn't handle it on my own.

Last night I had a dream that the church got over $60,000 in cash. But the dream quickly turned bad when every time I counted the money, it came to a different total. I'm not sure how many times I counted that money in my dream. Yeah, that's my job seeping into my rest time.

The headline read Would Jesus believe in evolution?. It made me laugh at first. Not the idea of Jesus believing in evolution but that Jesus would believe. In believing, you're saying "I accept this as true" or "I feel sure that this is true". But there is a still a possibility of being wrong. You will never hear me say "I believe that I am a girl." No, I AM a girl. No doubt.

So, originally, I laughed at the idea that Jesus would believe in anything since he is God and I laughed at the idea that he believed in evolution because he was at the beginning and knows exactly what went down. But then comes all of the theological questions and ideas about Jesus' omniscience. Did Jesus actually know everything when he was earth? Or did he relinquish some of that power so that he could be more like his fellow humans when he walked on this earth? Hmm, interesting.

On a side note to this blog entry: I thought the article was pretty lame.

Being a girl can be hard, but one thing I love about being a girl is having girlfriends. I love my husband. He is incredibly satisfying but there is a part of me that can only be tended by my girls.

I once heard a sermon where the pastor said that your spouse is God's perfect provision for you. I think that's beautiful and worth remembering for the rest of my life. Today, when I felt scared and vulnerable, Timmy gave me what I needed because he lets God provide for me through him.

Dissatisfied with the adjective "great" in my blog subheading. One adjective that encompasses my husband and all that he means to me. "Great" seems so...blah.

I regularly have what Timmy calls "freak outs". A lot of stuff happens to me in that blurry space between sleep and reality. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming or gasping for air. Sometimes I don't even wake up from it. I don't remember it in the morning until Timmy tells me about it. It happens regularly enough that it doesn't freak Timmy out any more. He just rolls over and tells me to go back to sleep. Well, last night, Timmy wasn't there but I remember on my own.

I dreamt I was being attacked. I think it was by an animal and I was screaming for help. My arms were flailing trying to protect myself from this animal but it kept attacking me. I finally woke up to realize I must have been screaming in the real world because my dog was awake and excited and I was hitting her with my flailing arms. Hers was the fur from the animal I felt in my dream. Oops. Sorry, JJ honey. I didn't mean to freak out on you. Mi malo.

I've decided to take over this blog. Technically, it belongs to me and Timmy. While he is still a contributor and is welcome to make a post whenever he wants, he won't be because he created a new one. So, I'm taking over. Just me.

Feeling kind of weepy these days. Weepy in a good way. That I might cry at any moment but if I did, it doesn't mean it's bad.

Reading Luke tonight. One line read "As they (Jesus and his disciples) sailed, he (Jesus) fell asleep." My eyes started to well up. So human. I would do that.

please pray for me

I'm so nervous and feeling so insecure. I want to time travel to tomorrow night at 10pm when I will be sitting on my couch with everything behind me. I'm still not prepared. I am scared of letting down everyone who believes in me. I'm going to try to sleep now and give my brain a rest. But I'm planning on waking up super early to work on it some more before work. I don't know if anyone actually reads this, but if you do and if you pray, would you please pray for me?

Tuesday

So, I have this talk on Tuesday night. I keep calling it a talk so as to not freak myself out but really, it's a sermon. 20-25 minutes. On the stage. In the sanctuary. With a microphone lapel and a PowerPoint clicker. I'm a little nervous now, but I expect to be a total mess on Tuesday including nausea, upset stomach, and diarrhea. Unfortunately, that's not an exaggeration.

The youth interns have asked to me to speak on marriage as part of their "Getting Love Right" series. It's something I'm super passionate about. Not just because I think Timmy is the best but because I think God is the best and I'm continually amazed at the institution of marriage.

But I am overwhelmed. I have this one opportunity, 20 minutes, in hopes that it will leave a mark on these kids and lead them down the path to a God-honoring marriage. So much to say but what to say. I believe God is guiding me but I hope that I am hearing him. I told Timmy today that what I really need is just to relax and be myself. The truth is that I respect marriage. If I don't get hung up on details but just speak on the truth of the holiness of marriage, I'll be okay. It's the structure that I'm freaking out about. Hence, my insistence to keep referring to it as a talk instead of a sermon.

And in related new....
Earlier this week, Al and Tipper Gore announced their separation after 40 years of marriage. Yesterday morning, Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Lisa Anne Russell announced their separation after 14 years of marriage. Today, Cesar and Illusion Milan announced their separation after 19 years of marriage. I feel more aware of the attack on marriages. I feel more convicted that someone needs to stand for them. I feel like I need to help those teenagers see that this may be normal but it's not right. Life happens. We're broken and we live in a broken world. But please don't settle for the brokenness. Fight for what God always intended.

Jaws

I am really tense these days and my jaw is telling me just how much. I don't know if this is just a recent thing, but I am holding all my tension in my jaw and it hurts. Most of my work at the church has been related to finances - very stressful. And I am constantly thinking about this marriage talk I have in two week. I feel it in my face and it hurts. I don't know how to stop it.

I broke my spatula!

A year ago today, I tripped over my sandals and broke my shoulder.

I remember:

1. Dave and Joe praying for me while I was sitting on the grass waiting for a medic and then getting bandaged up. I was really grateful for their prayers because I wasn't really thinking about praying about my pain.

2. When I told the paramedics that my husband was a medic and he was meeting us at Crozer, they asked me who was my husband. When I said Tim Kaiser. The one smiled, looked at the other, and said, "we've got Tim Kaiser's wife."

3. The one paramedic was wrapping my arm and the other was kneeling in front of me. He asked me if it helped me to grab his knee. That's when I realized I has been holding his knee the entire time. I told him yes and he said that was okay.

4. People were looking at me through the windows of their apartments. I was putting on a show. There was a cop car and an ambulance and a woman on the grass unable to stand up on her own.

5. When I first fell, I called Katrina, since I was on her street. While she was getting help, I left Timmy a message telling him that I thought I hurt myself. When he called back, I started crying and couldn't talk to him. Katrina spoke to him. He told her to call the ambulance and that he would meet us at Crozer.

6. When they were carrying me to the ambulance, I said outloud, "Jesus please." The one medic said, "it's okay." My response: "oh no, that was a real prayer."

7. The drugs in the ambulance were awesome. Really awesome. They worked instantly and didn't make feel loopy. I was amazed.

8. Katrina drove in the ambulance with me. It was an another adventure. We like going on adventures together.

9. Timmy had called out sick that night because he was sick. So, all of his platoon buddies were working while we were at the hospital. They all came to check in on me. It was nice. They even reminded me of the last time Timmy and I were at the hospital together. It was two years earlier when Timmy broke his shoulder. I went into the medics' office and told them Timmy had broken his spatula :) At that moment, I knew I had said the wrong word but it was too late :) When Timmy's one co-worker walked in, I told him, "I broke my spatula."

10. Mark tried to visit me. He had heard about it from Joe; they were both at the Media Prom. Mark asked Barb if it was okay for him to leave to check in on me. She said yes. But unfortunately, he went to Riddle. That made sense - Riddle is the local hospital. But I wasn't there. We did get to speak on the phone, though.

11. The drugs at the hospital weren't as good as the ones in the ambulance. I turned to Katrina and said "this one makes me feel loopy." She laughed at me because I didn't have to tell her that; she already knew.

12. They needed a urine sample for a pregnancy test before they could do the x-ray. So Timmy and the nurse walked me to the bathroom. I told Timmy that I would try to do it myself and I would call out if I needed him. I called him in when I realized I couldn't zip my pants back up. So, he helped me with my pants and then proceeded to collect my urine sample. We walked out together and he handed the sample to the nurse. She said something like "oh, you took care of it already." His response: "Yeah, if anyone should deal with her urine, it should be me." I instantly thought, "so this is what in sickness and in health means." He's wiling to deal with pee :)

That's what I really remember from that night. I remember all the people who were concerned for me and cared me: Timmy and Katrina who stayed by my side. Joe and Dave whose first thoughts were to pray for me. Mark and Marti who couldn't wait and had to call us. Mary who was being a good mom and worrying at home. Timmy's friends who checked in. I felt loved.

Things I Got From My Parents

Tonight I had cherry jello with vanilla ice cream. I got that from my dad. Well, not exactly. I grew up watching my dad eat cherry jello with milk poured over it. I haven't had that since I was a teenager, but lately that's been sounding really good. So, tonight, since I don't drink whole milk anymore, I thought vanilla ice cream stirred until it was soft would be an acceptable substitute. It was.

From my mother, I picked up the habit of dropping an egg into a boiling pot of Lipton Noodle Soup. Ah, man that is one of my favorites. This winter (and spring), I had that as least once a week, more like twice. I also discovered that when I am out of Lipton soup, Ramen is a decent substitute. I've had that so much the last few months, that my teeth hurt now when I have it. I'm going to have to switch to Sensodyne because there is no way I am giving up my chicken noodle soup with an egg.

Other things I got from my parents: I bite my tongue when I'm angry like my dad and I regularly get an itch to watch Shirley Temple and Chuck Norris like my mom.

Old School

When Timmy and I became engaged, he decided that if he would be occasionally driving my car two things would have to change. First, my car needed EZ-PASS, no more scavenging for coins. Second, my car needed a CD player, no more ancient cassettes. So, my fiance added my car to his EZ-PASS account and he bought me a new stereo. I have been very grateful for both.

However, there are times when I miss my cassettes. I miss the music and the memories they carried. So every now and then, I give in and buy a cd of a cassette I once owned. And it is giving in because I'm cheap and don't want to buy again what I already bought. Last year, I tracked down two cds by a latin worship artist because she sang a few of the songs that I first learned when I became a Christian. When I feel spiritually low, those are some of the songs I want to hear the most. So, I gave in and bought the cds. This weekend I gave in again. I bought Color Me Badd's "Time and Chance". Man, I love that CD. It's my theory no music will sound as good to you as the music you loved when you were a kid. The next on my list is to buy Tevin Campbell's "I'm Ready." Oh man, I love that cd so much too!! I was planning on downloading it the same time as CMB, but I'm having iTunes issues. And yes, when I say "buy a cd," I mean download it from iTunes. Does anyone besides my husband still buy cds? So, yeah, Tevin Campbell is definitely next and I'm sure, at some point, I'll have to get Taylor Dayne's "Tell It To My Heart." I really miss that one too.

I'm Putting My Foot Down...

Below is an open letter to my friends and family. I hope you'll consider joining me:

- - - - -

So here I am doing something I have never done before, but I feel God saying, “give it a try.” Over the last few years, my church Blue Route Vineyard has entered into relationship with Love146, an organization committed to the abolition of child sex slavery and exploitation through prevention and aftercare. It’s an issue that makes us sick to our stomachs and a cause worth supporting. Wouldn’t we do just about anything if it were our daughter or our sister or our niece who was trapped in this devastating and disgusting life?

During the months of May and June, I will join Love146 in their Tread on Trafficking campaign. People from around the country will be putting the miles they run, walk, and swim to work by raising money for Love146 and the people they serve. Some of you might know that last fall, I joined the local YMCA and for the first time in my life, I find myself regularly exercising, mostly on the treadmill and the elliptical. When I heard about this new campaign, I thought, “why not? I’m racking up miles anyway. I might as well ask my friends and family to support me.” The more I thought about it, the more I felt God was encouraging me to give it a try. So here I am asking for your support. Perhaps together we can do a small part in the work to the end sexual slavery.

There are few ways you can support me, Love146, and the children effected:

1: PRAY: if you are praying person, pray that human trafficking ends. Pray there will be a time when Love146 doesn’t have to exist anymore. Pray for the complete restoration of the survivors.

2: RUN: Or walk. Or swim. Consider joining us in making your miles count toward a better life for survivors of child slavery. For more information on how to join, visit my page through the link below and click on “Register.” You can start your own team, join as an individual person, or join a preexisting team. You’re welcome to join Team BRV. Even if you don’t go to BRV, we’d love to have you.

3: GIVE: Sponsor me in my effort to raise $500 for Love146. Or if you want to challenge me, sponsor each of my miles. 50 cents a mile? A dollar a mile? Maybe more? I can tell you now that I run/walk at least five miles a week. That’s 40 miles over the course of this eight-week campaign. But if you’re willing to give per mile, I’m willing to push myself in the gym like never before. To give, visit my page through the link below. To sponsor my miles, call or email me. At the end of June, I’ll let you know how many miles I did and then you can give your gift to Love146.

Thank you for reading this letter and for learning about what I hope to do. If anything, I hope you stopped to consider the terrible reality that child sexual slavery does exist and it needs to end.

Melissa Kaiser



Follow This Link to visit my personal web page and help me in my efforts to support Love 146

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An Anniversary

This past Tuesday, April 13, 2010, I celebrated my 13th anniversary with Jesus. I made a comment on Facebook marking the day. A girlfriend of mine made a comment about how I'm the only person she knows who continually remembers that day. I've been thinking about that statement and my response, "why wouldn't I?" Most people I know would be appalled to have their birthday forgotten or not acknowledged. A wife would be heartbroken if her husband forgot their wedding anniversary or just chose to ignore it. Why wouldn't my day with God be the same? Now I understand some people don't have a clear day like I do. For some people it was a decision that was expected or not very much a surprise. For me, it was single-handedly the most defining moment of my life. I knew it that day and still know it now. So, every year I will mark my special day with Jesus and every year I will remember how God completely changed my life and the path I was walking and every year I will be grateful for his mercy and protection and every year I will humbled that he chose me.


"Lord, you are the kind of king that I will call my own
I love your dominion, your everlasting throne
Lord, you are the kind of king in whom my heart will joy
For my eyes have seen the beauty of my king"

Beauty of my King, Seth Parks

Who Do You Think You Are?

Who Do You Think You Are? is a new tv show. Each episode is a different celebrity and we follow them as they trace back their ancestors. Ancestry.com plays a huge role in bringing the show. I'm pretty sure it can't be a coincidence this is airing while the government is trying to get everyone to fill out their census form. But you know what, I really like this show. It makes me want to know more about my family. It makes me want to document what I do know for the generations that follow.

My family is really...difficult. On my mom's side, I don't know all my aunts and uncles. I don't know all my cousins. There are so many. So many divorces and babies born out of wedlock. Just lots of things that make a Luciano family tree really complicated. The Rolon side is a little cleaner but not my dad's branch. My junior year of college, I took a Christian Marriage and Family class. One of our assignments was to do a family tree. I thought, "you have no clue what you're asking me to do." The assignment ended up being the most memorable of my four years. It was also heartbreaking and infuriating. Growing up, my family just felt...I don't even know how to express my feelings.

Timmy's family, on the other hand, is so normal. Mom and Dad love each other. They've been married for 35 years, I think. They have two kids. Each are happily married. Grandmom lives with mom and dad. Pop-pop works at the family business and lives a few minutes down the road. Pop-pop can share the craziest stories of the Kaiser family. Stories like how his grandfather was one of the men who helped establish Folcroft, the town I currently live in. Pop-pop can drive through town and tell you how it used to be and why it's the way it is now. He can tell you where the Kaiser farm used to be and why that one street is named Kaiser Lane. The Kaisers have deep, deep roots in this community and it's one of the things I love most about being a Kaiser. I feel stable with the Kaisers. I think that's what I don't feel most with the Lucianos and Rolons. I lack feelings of stability and of home and permanence. Don't get me wrong, I love the Lucianos and Rolons, but with both sides I felt a little out of place. I still do, I think.

All this to say, I really like this show and it's making me seriously consider joining Ancestry.com. I would love to make more sense of the Lucianos and Rolons. I'd love to document all that information that we do know about the Kaisers. I want to have it for my children and their children and their children's children. And I'd like to have it for me.

Trust

I'm surrounded by a lot of questions, a lot of pain, a lot of doubt, a lot frustration, a lot of anger, a lot of emotions. Not me in particular, but people I love dearly are experiencing these intense and difficult emotions. We talk and I try to say something that consoles them. But at the end of every conversation, the same thing is said: "we have to trust God." I am thankful that God is so trustworthy. I have almost 13 years of God never failing me to cling to when things get tough. Thankfully, my loved ones going through trials also know God to always be faithful. But it seems the hard part is acknowledging that his faithfulness may not look the way we want to. For instance, my uncle. If he doesn't make it, that doesn't mean that God failed us. God is always faithful, always good, even if it doesn't look that way.

Pizza

A large cheese pizza from Pizza Villa is on its way. If you've never had Pizza Villa in Glenolden, you're missing out. They have the best straight up plain pizza. It's something about the cheese. I can easily eat four slices but at PV, I can only do two. Any more and my stomach can't take it. But it's so good.

Other recommendations:
1. Italian Village in Folcroft has a good sicilian crust and Timmy loves the sausage.
2. Little Anthony's in Media has the best, best, best, sicilian marinara. I'm drooling just thinking about it.
3. If I want thin crust, I'll go to the Dominos chain. I like their thin crust with pepperoni.
4. When I don't care about feeling guilty and I really want a fun side, Pizza Hut with a side of their garlic parmesan wings.

Now, I'm really hungry.

Tio Johnny

My uncle Johnny isn't doing well. He's been fighting colon cancer for a couple of years. He had surgery yesterday and from what I've been able to piece together, it's not looking good. I saw him on Saturday. I'm glad I got to do that. It's been 1.5 years since I last saw him. He looked sick, but his spirits are so high. I don't like this feeling of not knowing, of waiting. I sent out an email to some friends and family asking for prayer and my brother Jimmy sent me a word of encouragement that really spoke to my heart. He said "whatever happens, it will be a miracle." That's so true. If he is healed, that will be a miracle. If he survives and lives with this disease, it will be a miracle. If he doesn't make it but instead stands before the throne of God, that will be the greatest of all miracles. We just celebrated Easter two days ago and today I am so grateful for Jesus' death and resurrection. How different we would all be feeling if there were no hope of resurrection for my uncle.

Thank you, Lord, because we have hope in you and in your resurrection.

The Things I Think Of

I was sitting at church last night. It was our first Easter Saturday service. Our pastor Mark was reading Scripture. And this was my thought: "Jesus was dead. Like dead dead. Like he died on Friday and rose again on Sunday. He was dead for a whole day. So what does that mean about the eternal nature of God?" This is how my brain thinks. It led to a little talk with Matthew, our youth guy, Eastern alum, and VLI student. Then another little talk with Matthew and Mark. Of course, I don't have any answers, just more thoughts.

Grown-ups

I spoke to my sister Melody tonight. We were on the phone for over an hour catching up on life. At the end of the conversation, she said "can you believe the talk we just had?" It was a comment on the topics we discussed and I responded, "we are grown-ups with grown-up lives and grown-up issues." Melody asked, "when did that happen?" :)

Who would have thought…

…that a good workout could leave me feeling hopeful. I ran for eleven minutes on the treadmill. That may not seem like a lot to most but for me, it’s huge. I called Timmy afterward and told him that it actually makes me think that maybe I’m not as out of shape as I feared. Or rather, maybe I can actually get into shape.

I feel as healthy as I ever have. I’m working out 3-4 days a week. I’m drinking more water, which makes me feel so much better. After several failed attempts, I’m actually in a routine of taking a daily multi-vitamin. I learned I’m lactose intolerant, which may not seem like a good thing but it’s nice to know why my stomach was so messed up. The only thing I really need to work on is eating better. I hate greens; I love grease.

But overall, I feel really good and it feels good to feel good. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am allowed to ask my body to do something. “Hey, let’s go for a walk with Jessie and not huff and puff.” “Let’s sprint up the stairs and not want to die.” And my body can actually oblige. When I first started working out, I was listening to the stats of heart disease on the radio and and I didn’t feel guilty because I knew I had started doing something about it. And now I can run on a treadmill. That’s progress and I’m so hopeful.

On a side note:

On my way from the gym, I was stopped at a red light on South Avenue when I heard sirens. I looked around for Timmy because I knew he was working close by. Then I saw him in his Crozer 100D medic car. The lights were flashing and the sirens blaring. He turned onto South Ave and drove past me. And I have to admit: I was turned on. My husband’s hot :)

A New Decade

In January, I turned 30. It's weird to think I'm thirty. I'm an adult, but I don't feel like an adult. Then again, I don't feel like a kid either. I feel like...me. I just feel like I've always felt. From the inside, I feel the same. It's from the outside world that I'm different. When I tell someone that I am thirty, they expect something from me: certain behavior, certain actions. I used to feel that way, but now, not so much. When I think of people older than me, I think they might feel the same way I do. They don't feel old. They don't feel like an adult. They're probably wondering how they ended up with four kids and a mortgage. I have a mortgage and I'm not sure how that happened. And this is the decade for me to have children and I'm kinda wigged out by that. And don't get me wrong, I want it all. I just thought I'd feel different.

No matter what happens though. I'm looking forward to this decade. I'm excited to see all that God does and all that he has for me and Timmy.

Lord, I thank you for my life. You've been so good to me. And I ask for more of you this decade. Because all I could really want for me and my family is more of you.

Attempting to Return

Earlier this year, my brother Tom asked me what happened to the blog. Timmy and I just stopped doing it. I didn't have the energy to write or the inspiration to do so. Before I knew it, it was a year and a half since my last entry. But Tom suggested I start up again. He thinks that Facebook statuses are shallow and he misses the thought behind my entries. I've been thinking about that for the last couple of months and I think I'll like to try again. We'll see how it goes.

An entry from my journal this morning....

Jessie, my crazy, neurotic, absolutely wonderful dog, is being especially needy this morning. I finally put my journal to the side and talked to her, rubbing her belly and giving her kisses. Then I told her, "Why are you so needy? Do you realize that everyday you wake up and someone is there to love you? Everyday someone is here to love you. I'm here. Timmy's here. Or Mary and George are there." And as I continued playing with her and rubbing her, I had a really sad thought: there are children in the world who wake up with no one to love on them. My dog is loved more than some children in the world. Then I thought how Jessie always has food and fresh water. A luxury for so many. And then the crazy thought: Jessie has insurance.

I know you can't quite compare pet insurance to human insurance, but consider the implications: Jessie gets yearly check-ups from a certified, trained doctor. She gets yearly vaccinations. She takes monthly prescriptions to protect her heart and the rest of her body. When Jessie is sick, she goes to the doctor's office. If Jessie is really sick or hurt, she does to the ER. In the past, Jessie has had some intestinal issues, so she was on a daily prescription until that cleared up. For a while, because of her mental issues, she was on psych drugs. Jessie gets better medical treatment than so many in this world, even so many in this country.

I don't feel guilty for how well we treat Jessie. She is a genuine part of our family and I think it is the responsible thing to do to take care of any pet you take into your home. This is the main reason Timmy and I were so thoughtful about getting a pet in the first place. We understood the emotional and financial commitment. This is probably one of the main reasons we don't get Jessie a permanent friend/playmate. But still I have to remind myself what Timmy and Will Ferrell remind me: "She's just an F-ing dog." She is part of God's glorious creation. She is one of God's creations, but she does not bear the image of God himself. There are image bearers in this world who aren't treated as well as my dog.

And yet again, He is so good to me...

I was in an accident on Sunday morning. Ugh. But no worries, no one was hurt and I wasn't at fault :)

I was driving down Baltimore Pike in Media on my way to church. There was a green light at the intersection of Baltimore and Orange. I continued and I saw it out of the corner of my eye. I braced myself, screamed, and CRASH! I sat in my car for a few seconds, breathing heavily. I looked up and confirmed "yes, it was a green light." The guy on Orange ran his red light. I drove the car to the side of the street. The other car parked behind me. Again, I sat there breathing really heavily. I don't think I have ever been so shaken up at an accident. Probably because this is the first time when I saw a car driving toward my driver door - aka , at ME.

I got out of the car. It was one of those feelings where I wasn't sure I could walk just because I was shaking so much. As I stepped out of the car. I saw a cop car and started waving them down. It was actually a park car, but I didn't care. He was able to call a Media police officer. I looked behind me and I was being approached by the passenger of the other car: a pretty woman, around my age, 8 months pregnant and holding a toddler. She asked, "are you okay?" Am I okay? What? "Are you okay?" I pointed to the toddler: "is the baby okay?" I pointed to the belly: "is the baby okay?" Everyone was okay. Just shaken up, just as I was. She told me it was all their fault. That her husband was talking to her. Really, I wasn't angry at all. The driver came out. Again, a young, attractive, and very apologetic man. We started exchanging information. It was so hard for me to write. A police officer joined us and we proceeded with the whole accident report process.

While waiting for the officer to finish his part, my phone rang. It was Rich, my associate pastor. It was now after 9am and church had started. I answered the phone, told him I had been in a little accident, and would be there in a few minutes. I hung up the phone and then began the funny part. The driver says, "I think we're going to the same place." I asked, "Blue Route Vineyard?" He replied, "yes." Funny. I smiled, reached out my hand and said, "Oh. Hi. I'm Melissa." He shook my hand and said "Hi. I'm Joe. My wife Jane. Our daughter Sue." "Oh yes, " I said, "the Smiths." I'm sure you picked up that's not their real names, but as soon as they introduced themselves, I recognized their names. That's part of working for the church. A lot of times, I know the names before I know the people. I can only assume then that they had an odd little moment like "oh no, that's the lady who works at the church!" Well, we finished up what we needed to do with the police and then we headed back to our cars: "see you in a few minutes" I said. And sure enough, we drove the three blocks to the church and joined the service.

Timmy was leading worship that day, so I couldn't just go straight to him when I arrived. That wasn't fun. I really just wanted to run up to him and give him a hug. Or rather, I wanted to run up to him and have him hug me. He came off the stage and I walked toward him, putting my face into his chest. "I was in an accident. It wasn't my fault. Do you want to see the damage?" (Oh insert comment: it was my car, thank God and not Timmy's. The story would be totally different if I were driving Timmy's car.) So, I asked if he wanted to see the damage and we started walking out of the sanctuary. Before we walked out, Joe, the driver, walked over to me. I put my left arm around him and before he said anything, I looked at Timmy, smiled, and said "this is the guy who hit me." Poor Joe. I hope he picked up on my sense of humor. I looked at Joe and asked, "Joe, do you know my husband Tim?" They shook hands and awkwardly laughed.

That's my story. No one was hurt. Both cars will definitely need work. I have an appointment with the adjuster on Wednesday. There was no issue as to what happened, which makes the whole process easier - at least for me. The Smiths seem like a nice family. It's a bummer that's how we should officially meet, but it's all good. Accidents happen. Thankfully no one was hurt and everyone was insured :)

God is so Good to me.

Below is the email I just sent to my VLI classmates. What you need to know in order to appreciate this email is a few bits of information: This week we are taking our final exams. This is the second time that we have used the new online test taking website. Exams opened last Saturday and close today (Friday) at 3pm. This is the email I sent to them.

The subject: God is so good to me!

I just had the worst ten minutes. After not feeling at all prepared for several of the essay questions to our exams, I decided to go ahead and take it. I was hoping that I had enough of the information in my brain and that I could recall it. This is not my normal study method. I like to write out all my essays, so that I have a coherent thought with proper transitions. I went ahead and took the first one: Systematic Theology. Done and I don't think I did bad. Sure not the As of the last few tests but I can take a B. I can even take a C for feeling so unprepared. Then I take the second test. Five minutes into it, Timmy tells me the internet on the other computer isn't working. Oh no. Please Jesus. No. He wants to reboot the router, but I don't want to risk it. I'm already logged in. My timer is going and they won't let me log back in and start over. So, I proceed to take the test, taking deep breaths, focusing on the exam, and releasing little prayers for the internet. The exam is done. I press submit and nothing happens. No!!!!!!! I went into the other room and told Timmy. I'm trying to not panic at least not in front of Timmy. I've been a bit unreasonable and out of sorts the last couple of days. My poor husband as had to deal with it. I go back into the other room to check on the laptop. "Safari can't open the page....because the server is not responding." I want to cry. I take the laptop to Timmy and show him the screen. I copy the error message in preparation to send it to Kyle, Jennifer, and Shelly. I am prepared to pray all night that they somehow got my exam and don't have to retake it. Timmy restarts the computer. Internet is up again. I start typing my email. I need Kyle's email address so I back page my error message and there it was as beautiful as anything I have ever seen - my exam and the submit button. I pressed submit as quickly as possible like I didn't want it to change its mind. And I covered my face with my hands, "please jesus. please jesus. please jesus." And it accepted it. It worked. I ran to Timmy. I sat on his lap and he hugged me, my eyes watering. Then he said, "I'm going to go away for 9 months when you're pregnant because you're going to be a wreck." Smile.

The End.

Every week my church sends out what we call "txt." It's a weekly email with last week's bulletin announcements, prayer slide, group information, and a word from our pastor. This week my crazy dog made the txt, meaning Mark mentioned her in his blurb. I have to share in case you aren't on the list...

Luke 10:5-12 (TNIV)
“When you enter a house, first say, ‘Peace to this house.’ If the head of the house loves peace, your peace will rest on that house; if not, it will return to you. Stay there, eating and drinking whatever they give you, for workers deserve their wages. Do not move around from house to house.
“When you enter a town and are welcomed, eat what is set before you. Heal the sick who are there and tell them, ‘The kingdom of God has come near to you.’ But when you enter a town and are not welcomed, go into its streets and say, ‘Even the dust of your town we wipe from our feet as a warning to you. Yet be sure of this: The kingdom of God has come near.’ I tell you, it will be more bearable on that day for Sodom than for that town.

…

I share an office with a dog named Jessie. She belongs to Melissa, my assistant, and she makes coming to the office pretty cool. One of Jessie’s best skills is letting me know that she’s very glad to see me. The tail wags the dog, as the saying goes.

But Jessie doesn’t welcome everybody. Far from it. Perhaps she’s an introvert or not a people person. Maybe a snob. But for whatever reason, Jessie is sort of scary and vehement about letting some people know she isn’t thrilled when they arrive. She gets over it, but more than one person has jumped back at her bark.

When Jesus sent his disciples out with the news of his Kingdom, he warned them that they would get one of two reactions; they would find people who love peace and host them heartily, and they would find people, whole towns even, who would bark their lack of welcome from the moment their boundaries were crossed.

Which are you? Vicious whenever the reign of God gets real or real close? Or are you a tail wagging pup, enthusiastically welcoming God and his good news whenever they draw near?

I believe it will be great for my house when Jesus comes near. And sad beyond words if he comes near only to find me scared and growling, doing my best to ward him off like he’s a burgular.

Everyday is a good day to be the Son of man’s best friend. Start wagging your tail, the Kingdom of God has come near.

woof!
m.

when i can't sleep....

I feel it's been a while since I wrote a cheesy "I love Timmy" blog entry and well, I want to write one now.

I'm sitting on the couch in the living room with my laptop. I went to bed at 11:30pm. At 12:30, I gave up trying to fall asleep and left bed. It's now 1:30am and Timmy just came out of the room. He noticed I wasn't in bed and wanted to check up on me. "I'm okay. I just can't sleep." "Okay, just want to make sure you aren't laying on the bathroom floor. I love you." He turns around and heads back to bed.

That little exchange warms my heart. I spent years not being able to sleep and no one knew. I spent years crying myself to sleep and no one really knew. I'd stay up wondering if I would always be alone, if anyone would ever really care. He cares. There is someone in my life, who notices when I can't sleep. It's my favorite part of being married. There is someone with whom to share my life.

There's a movie with a quotation that I just love. It's Shall We Dance: Susan Sarandon, Richard Gere, Jennifer Lopez. Not much to the movie, but there are a few scenes that I love. In one scene, someone asks Susan's character, "why do people get married?" She replied:

we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet, I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’

Timmy notices when I can't sleep. I love that about him.

this week

I had a rough week this week. It was super stressful. I was trying to study for my two midterms, and I didn't feel prepared for either one. More frustrating was that I didn't feel the material was clearly taught. It put me on edge and then there were some financial questions at the church. Some times at the church, I forget that I don't have a business/accounting/math background. I know the books. I keep good track of them. I can answer questions when their asked. Then there's this week when I ask myself, "how did I end up responsible for the church's finances?" Thankfully, one of my dearest, dearest friends is an accountant and she goes to my church. She sat down with me and tried to help me understand what was going on - let me emphasize the word "tried." Accounting is another language.

At the end of the week, things were good. God graciously guided me through the study process and I think I did well on both tests. By well, I mean I didn't fail like I thought. I don't however, expect the straight A's from last quarter. The financial question is partially answered, partially on hold, but definitely not overwhelming. The last two days have been great. Lots of sleep. Lots of doing nothing. Lots of Olympics. It's been good.

However, something happened yesterday to put a damper on my happiness. I was catching up on dishes last night, when I saw a mouse out of the corner of my eye next to my dishes. I ran out of the kitchen, water still running. I called my husband at work and felt the tears welling up. I know it's irrational. I know that this little gray mouse isn't going to attack me. I know my husband can't do anything while he is on night shift in Chester. I know these things, but it's a fear and some fears are irrational. So, last night I locked myself in my bedroom, and I put a towel against my door for added peace of mind. This afternoon I did my dishes, while my husband was home. I acknowledge that this mouse issue is mostly my issue for being lazy and letting my dishes go. But despite the clean kitchen, I have only been in there once since Timmy left and that was to turn off the light. Now, I am safely tucked away in my bedroom - yes, the towel is still against the door and I am hoping I don't have to go to the bathroom again.

And perhaps you are thinking what my husband suggested - just let Jessie go for it. Do you know how traumatized I would be if I saw my dog with a mouse in its mouth? Each time, she left the living room this evening, I prayed that she wouldn't come back with a mouse in her mouth. I don't know what I would have done. Well, besides cry....

Things that God Reminded Me Today...

1. I can have an ugly temper.
2. My temper doesn't go off for a lot of things but it goes off for the stupidest, smallest, most trivial things.
3. Humility is hard to accept.
4. Admitting your wrong hurts, even when you know no one else cares that you were wrong.
5. Sometimes I take things way too seriously.
6. I should never let anything wrap me up so tight that a kiss from my husband can't help.
7. I should be thankful that I work for a man whose more concerned with how I'm doing than what work I'm doing and that he actually prays for me when I'm having a bad day.
8. I can't always blame these ridiculous intense feelings on hormones.
9. It's okay to cry and it's better to cry than to punch something or yell at someone.
10. Don't worry so much about the grades - I've "already got the goods" (MDT)
11. God's love for me hasn't changed at all today.

I Don't Understand

For Christmas in July this year, Timmy and I have bought a new bed. We currently have a double and it was great except for the past year when a not so little dog joined our family. Now, all three of us sleep together and we need an upgrade. So the queen will be delivered on Friday. Today I went to Kohls to pick up new bed sheets. Ugh. I don't understand bed sheets. I don't understand how I can spend $135 on three sets of sheets and one blanket. I really don't understand how that can be my sale total. We saved $170 going today when Kohls had a 50% off sale and then using Gradnmom's 15% discount. It would have been $300 - on sheets. My goodness.

The Power of Facebook

In regards to the story below, I had put a Facebook message saying I was considering calling the cops. In the hour and a half that I had the mesage up, I got one phone call, two emails, and one post, asking if I were okay, telling me to call the cops, assuring me that I was being prayed for. Oh dear. I didn't think anyone would be worried, maybe just a little curious. I figure if anyone has a message similar to what I wrote that they wouldn't be in any real danger. If they were, I hope they would just call the cops and not put a message on facebook. But I am touched. Thank you for caring about me. And no worries, if I am ever in danger or think I am in danger, I wouldn't hesitate to call 911 :)

Irritating People

From 10-10:30pm, there were about 10 teenagers playing kickball on my street - literally on my street. I was so close to calling the police. I mean, did they think it was a park? Did they not realize it's a Monday night? They were irritating.

Speaking of irritating people in our neighborhood, this is a story from a few weeks ago: I got home from work around 5pm. I pulled to the curb in front of the house and saw two young kids (9 or 10 yrs old) standing across the street wearing hoodies and facemasks. I just shook my head - "kids being stupid." I stayed in my car, gathering my things as I notice the two boys walk across the street and stand just a few yards away from me. They are standing side by side, completely still, staring at me and my car. I knew they were just being stupid and trying to provoke something. So, I got out of my car and walked around it so that I wouldn't go near them or make eye contact. As I walked to the front door, they followed me and were breathing heavily. I finally turned around and said, "just go home." The one said, "we don't want to go home."

Then I went inside to my wonderful husband and told him about these two boys. And my sweet, sweet boy went into protector mode. He looked out the window and saw that they were still out there in front of our house. So, he went outside and took our crazy, not so friendly, sometimes scary dog with him ... unleashed. I watched them go outside and I felt so feminine and he looked so masculine - I loved it :) I could see him telling the kids to get off our property, "get away from my house." He told them he wasn't scared to let the dog loose on them. As they resisted to leave, Timmy would take a few steps forward and Jessie stayed right next to Timmy. He says that at some point, she realized the game they were playing, so she starts barking, lunging forward, her fur on her back was sticking up. Eventually they walk away and Timmy comes inside.

However, they didn't stay away. We live at the corner of two streets and within a few minutes, they are walking back and forth, stalking our house. They were blatantly trying to get a peek inside. I was scared they were going to try something but it made me laugh because we live on the second floor. If they did anything to the windows or something, they would get our crazy neighbor. Our neighbor would chase them away with a bat. Actually, Timmy believes he owns a gun, definitely scarier than a bat. Well, after a couple walks around our house, Timmy called the cops :) The cops came by a couple minutes later and the kids didn't come by again. Nice story, huh?

Oh, one more story about the people in my neighbor. This story is not first hand experience. It's a story my crazy neighbor told me. He told me that one night he came home and saw two figures sitting on his picnic table in the backyard. Now, our yard is partially fenced it. The back of our house is L shaped so there is a little nook where the picnic table, grill, and stereo are. They are a few feet from our neighbors windows and below our back porch. He walked closer and realized it was two teenagers making out. Two people we don't know making out in our yard on his table. What? He said that for a moment he thought it was me and Timmy. I can make people uncomfortable with my pda but that it too much even for me. He confronted the teenagers who lied and said that the owner had said it was okay. He called them on it. They lied again saying they lived a couple houses down the street. Again he called them on it but they tried to keep it up. So, my neighbor said, "fine. I will walk you to your house because I will tell someone - either your parents or the police." They fess up. They confess to just needing a place to be together - so they picked our yard because it was only partially fenced in and had a table. My neighbor told them to go away and not to come back. Are you serious?

These neighborhood kids are unbelieavble.

oh....

and I cut my hair. But this time it seems I cut it enough that people are actually saying, "Wow. you cut your hair!" Well, it's not that much shorter than the last time, but it has more layers and that makes it appear shorter. I am a little nervous about seeing Melody this morning. She will tell me exactly what she thinks of it and her comment, whether good or bad, will pierce directly into my self-perception. She has that kind of power. I remember I had this dress my freshman/sophomore year of college, back in the day when I had to wear dresses to church. I loved it. My sister, then 15-16 years old, said that I didn't look good in it. I never wore it again. And I loved that dress! I value her opinion greatly, in most things, especially these things. That's why when I had a date with this guy named Tim (he-he), she went shopping with me for my outfit. And that's why when I married this guy named Timmy (he-he), she was the only person I wanted there to help with my wedding dress. I knew that everyone else would say "you look beautiful" to every dress I put on, but Melody would keep real.

hi

Well we are back from vacation and back to life. Timmy is on night shift. I just got back from the Media 5 Mile. And ha-ha if you thought I ran! I helped hand out water to the runners and ate hot dogs and drank soda. This really is one of the events we do at BRV that I really enjoy. Probably because I don't have to speak to any strangers. I give them water and they keep running.

I am thankful that my first week back was pretty painless. I feared my inbox. Both the Outlook inbox and the desk inbox. They were pretty calm. Thanks guys for taking care of the work yourself :)

Vacation was very restful, but short, as all vacations tend to be. Timmy and I did nothing. It was great. We watched movies. I studied for my final while he read a book. Jessie just lounged around. However, she did twist her ankle or something when she ran down the stairs. She was limping for a few days. It's been a week, though, and she is back to being a running fool.

I am very excited to say that I will be going to the Vineyard Regional Conference afterall. I had a few reasons for not going but at the end, they didn't make any sense. Who knows how many of these conferences I will be able to go without any concerns. Lots of people I know would love to go but can't because of work. I have a boss who asks "Why aren't you going to the conference?" It's a perk. And the church is willing to pay for my registration. Seriously, why wasn't I gonna go?? Oh yea, Timmy won't be coming - boo. He doesn't like conferences and he has to work and someone needs to tend to our neurotic dog. So, I have made a new friend and she is going to be my roomie for the few days. I am excited about a few days where I can hide out in a big auditorium and just hang out with Jesus. I miss that since we left DCCS and since I started working for the church.

Well, I just wanted to say hi. I want to go and rest for a bit. I need to be up early tomorrow to have lunch with my sisters.

missy's life

This will probably be my last blog for at least a week. The next three days are going to be insane. The last week has been insane in preparation for the next three days. I have an area meeting today, which is why I am up so early. I have the normal Friday craziness tomorrow plus a wedding rehearsal and rearranging the church for the wedding. Saturday morning is the management team meeting - I'll start working at 7am. Wedding at 4pm. Followed by a super late night getting the church ready for Sunday morning. I don't expect to leave the church until after midnight, but I suppose if the party goes well, clean up will go even later in the morning.

I am thankful that I don't have to try to fit in an intensive there as well. I am thankful for being able to listen to the lectures online and for Columbus being two weeks ahead of us.

I am curious to see how the building will function as a full wedding venue. We've had a ceremony there before ( he-he ). We've had parties there before. Never had the whole wedding festivities: ceremony, hor dourves, dinner, and dancing. From an administration end, I am curious if we can pull it off.

I am so, so, so excited for Nathanael and Kristin. A happy marriage makes a big difference in how I experience weddings. I think this one is going to be great - the wedding and the marriage :) Congratulations you guys. Thanks for letting me be a part of it.

And lastly, what has pushed me through this past weekend and five lectures and pushes me through the next few days - I am so looking forward to our vacation on Sunday. It wasn't planned to fall after a crazy week. It just kind of did. But it has been my motivator - "Sunday. Sunday. Just get to Sunday." Then we are off to a cabin, just me, my boy, and our dog - nice.

..... Oh yeah, and yesterday I picked up my brand new prescription sunglasses. I have wanted them so long and now I have them. I may never wear contacts again!!! Well, besides weddings :)

peace out, my friends!

The Update

Well, it seems we will be staying here a little while longer. Guess I will have to live with the sex noises, the f-bombs, the bass, the cigarette smoke, the absentee landlord, and watching JJ poo. At least I know longer have to shower in a few inches of my own filth. I love drano.

brv.txt

One of my brother's suggestion for when I don't have anything to blog is to write what God has taught me. I took his advice this afternoon when I couldn't think of anything to write for the brv.txt. For those of you who don't know about the txt, every week our church sends out a mass email with lots of information. Part of the information is a message from the pastor. Well, Mark has been on vacation for the last two weeks, so Rich, our associate pastor, wrote last week's txt and I agreed to do this week's txt. I had writers block, but then took Tom's advice. So here is a copy of my txt.

Yesterday morning, a good friend of mine sent me a message via Google chat. It was a simple prayer, a blessing for the day ahead. In that moment, I appreciated it. Knowing that my husband and I would be taking a serious look at our finances, I had a feeling that it was going to be a rough day. I replied to his message with a similar blessing. Then I changed my mind. I told him, “Instead, how about I pray that we would both see the many blessings God has already given us?”

The day was a rough day as I expected it to be. That night as I got ready for bed, my head throbbing from the tears shed, I remembered that prayer. Actually I didn’t remember that prayer so much as I remembered someone else, another family. One of the things about working for the church is I see things most people don’t see. Most likely you come to church on Sunday morning and see a bunch of smiling faces. During the week, I see many faces that aren’t smiling – people who are scared, people who are lonely, people who don’t know how they are going to make rent, people who don’t have money for food. Simple things that I never think about. I may have a hard time buying a house, but I never worry about rent, about food, about health insurance.

While writing this entry, I answered a call at the church office: it was a young woman asking if we helped with food. We get these kinds of calls often, from people in our church and from people in our community. A lot of the times we can help and it’s because of your generosity. There’s a Generosity Box that sits between the sound booth and the doors in the sanctuary. It’s a way to offer a gift to the poor. Many of you give faithfully. Many of you give generously. I thank all of you who do. It’s because of you and your giving that we can help people when they call us. A special thanks to all of you who gave this weekend. I know it was a blessing to the family who received your gift.

Remember - you’re not just giving to a box: you are giving to real people with real needs.

I’ll see you Sunday.
Melissa

Thanks Thomas for your help :)

Weird Dream Last Night

I was back in college, I think. But it wasn't Eastern's campus. It was a shopping mall. I recognized Sallie, Laurice, and Rob from LGP at Eastern, so I knew it was college. But also, in my class were the cast of Saved By The Bell - well, I saw Jesse Spano and it was Jesse Spano not Elizabeth Berkley. And also in my class was David Archuleta from American Idol and I am not an Archie fan. Between our classes, we all went back to the same clothing section of this one store and changed our clothes. I changed once, but then I kept thinking, "why does everyone change between classes?" Well, I was late for two classes, each of them by five minutes and everyone else got there on time. I think it was because I was always eating food when I was late. However, there were also these vampires chasing us, but Buffy was there to save us (the slayer, not the dog). At the end of it, I got a call from Iris, my sister in law/realtor, and she was telling me about home repairs. When I looked over, Timmy was next to me, but we were still at the store and I was still in my nice new clothes, eating french fries, looking at the time because I was going to be late to class again.

I am a nerd.

I just looked at my syllabus for next quarter: History of the Christian Church and Theology AND Systematic Theology. I felt my eyes widen and a grin came on my face.

Hi Tom

My brother says I need to blog more regularly.

.....


Yesterday I got a call at the church. Some guy offering us a free visit to his chiropractor. I said no thanks but before I could get off the phone, he asked, "do you have an accent?" It made me smile. I just had this same conversation last week with a member of the church. I get that comment fairly regularly. I guess it's the growing up with people who have accents and growing up with two languages around me. And it doesn't help that I speak really quickly and end up slurring my words. But the next comment the guy made really made me laugh, he said, "yes, you sound English." English? As in like the Brits? Her Royal Majesty, the Queen? I've never gotten that before.

Top Ten Reason I Pray Tomorrow Goes Well

1. No more waking up to sex noises.

2. No more cigarette smoke.

3. No more F bombs.

4. No more bass.

5. No more waiting for Jessie to poo.

6. No more absentee landlords.

7. No more showering in a few inches of my own filth.

...

I'm sure if I thought about it harder, I could come up with three more reasons. Or if my husband were here, he would list another dozen. Here's to a good home inspection.